The Ultimate Disaster

November was coming with a bitter wind, and the new employee had joined us. I would never forget her, since she brought the ultimate disaster in the general office. To tell the truth, she began the apocalypse there. A week after her appearance of the scene, Mr. Virgin, the dwarf, and Nakao san had become enemies to each other. They constantly made an office war among themselves over trivial things which were complete torture for me to watch. The most intolerable part for me was that everyone asked me to stand on their sides.

Her name was Keiko Suzuki; she was the mother of chaos. Keiko san was just enormous, nothing more and nothing less, just enormous. Everything about her was simply oversized; for example, she had a whale of a head, had a gargantuan face, had a tremendous mouth, had a colossal ass, had humongous arms, had massive feet, had mammoth ears, had titanic fingers, had cyclopean legs, and so on and so forth.

 

At Last I’m Free from the Eternal Torture

It was the end of October. Nisida san was humming in an ecstatic tune and constantly smiling apropos of nothing all day. What was the meaning of this ostentatious happiness? It was very easy to explain indeed, since today was her last day of the three month-nightmares. In fact, she was so generous from the morning. She brought café mocha for me from Starbucks because she knew that I love it.

To my great surprise, she openly displayed her hatred toward Mr. Virgin all day and told me how much she abhorred him as aloud as a megaphone. She screamed, “Shogo san, at last I no longer need to see Mr. Virgin anymore. I’m so relieved. At last I’m free from the eternal torture. The past three months has been a sheer torture for me. I’ve never seen such a mean creature in any work environments. Do you know whom I’m talking about, of course?” Here she did not forget to slip a horse-wink on me and carried on at the top of her voice, “I want you to know that Mr. Virgin is the smallest man whom I’ve ever come across in my life. I hate his silly pride to my guts. And to cap it all, this extremely boring job was almost killing me; I was almost going to be out of my mind. Thank God, today is the last day for me to see his know-it-all grin. Anyway, please be careful, Shogo san, and do not forget to quite the job before it drives you crazy.”

At 5:30 p.m. sharp, she gathered all her belongings and approached Mr. Virgin’s desk the very last time, with a half-smile on her lips. She gave a deep bow ceremoniously and announced vengefully, “Thank you so much for tormenting me with your eternal meanness and disgusting parsimony.” And she wished once more to show him how little she cared. She strutted through the general office, like a supermodel passing through a bunch of fervid aficionados, yes, and she even dug her little finger into her ear as she went. Nobody could show more superiority.

 

Laughter Is Good and Brings Happiness

Why do Japanese always carry around such frivolous pride? Why don’t they just enjoy working and try to make more amiable atmosphere at an office? Why do they always demand to be respected? Why do they try to make their colleagues make suffered? Lamentably, this widespread sickness is everywhere at Japanese work environments. I really think that they need to change, so that they will stop saying bad things to each other behind their backs and that they will stop hurting each other’s feelings. It is repulsive for human beings to see such mean performances each day. Japanese are always in a race and never stop. They always think how to beat their colleagues; they never think how to enjoy working together in harmony. They constantly watch their colleagues every step to make a mistake. And when they happen to catch it, they always take an advantage to insult their fellow countrymen. They are constantly creating hostile ambiance at an office among themselves. They had better start to realize that their colleagues are not enemies. They had better stop being heartless creatures before they make another victim to commit suicide. Most importantly, they must realize that their maliciousness make their fellow men commit suicide each day; they must realize that they are murderers; they must realize that emotional suffering is worse than physical suffering. In addition, Japanese need to stop being serious all the time; on the contrary, they need laughers in their offices. Laughter is good and brings happiness. My fellow Japanese, please stop being mean to each other and help each other at an office only for one day. I ask you to become human beings only for one day, I beg you. Is it too much for me to ask you to behave as a human being only for one day? You mean bastards!

 

You Are Impossible!

Here I could not refrain myself from interrupting her asinine speech and said calmly, “But why do you always talk about how to copy faster? Listen, Kaita san, you’re not as fast as you think, since the copy machines copies documents. For instance, look there, we have four copy machines at the office. Can you see the right corner? There is the copy machine No. 4, which is the fastest machine in the office. And can you see the middle one? That is the copy machine No. 2, which is the slowest machine in the office. If I use the No. 4 and if you use the No. 2, I will be the faster one. It’s not because of my copy skills; it’s simply because of the machine I use. Do you comprehend this simple fact? I don’t do anything special. As a matter of fact, I just push the button, and the machine will take care of the rest.”

She suddenly sprung up and exclaimed with furious eyes, “You are impossible, Shogo san!”

With that, she stormed out the office.

 

I’m Your Immediate Superior

Here the dwarf noticed my complete indifference, and it hurt her pride deeply. A couple of blue lines appeared on her forehead, and her face turned red as a lobster. And then she looked at me with the glints of vengeance in her eyes and yelling at the top of her voice, “Why don’t you understand, Shogo san? I’m trying to help you. But your forever disrespected attitude toward me makes me beyond rage. I’ve been nice to you, but you don’t care about anything what I say. Listen carefully, Shogo san, because I’m not going to say it again. You must listen to what I say and obey what I say blindly, since I’m your immediate superior.”

Pause.

She drunk a bottle of cold green tea hurriedly and looked around the office in all directions to check whether other colleagues were still on a lunch break. After she made certain that we were alone at the office and made sure of her safety, she continued her tirade mightily, “Shogo san, the time has come for me to disclose the secret. Do you know how Ishida san had become the office manager? Because I declined the offer; that’s how he got the position at the first place. I declined it, for I’m planning to take a state exam for an accountant. I’ve taken the exam for three times so far and never passed. However, this time I am certain that I can pass the exam anyway. What I want you to understand is that even Ishida san respects me and can’t order me anything, since I’m indeed superior to him and better than him. Even I have to teach Ishida san and Nakao san how to copy faster. I have to take care of lot of things – that’s why I got stressed out these days.”