I Am Thoroughly Paralyzed

My initial plan was to take a job for a year to earn some money to go back to Vancouver, so I could make a fresh start on writing a book. I felt that I could sacrifice my precious time for the sake of my mission in life as a writer and could endure Japanese atmosphere for just a year. But alas, contrary to my strong determination to escape from Japan as quickly as possible, I have been trapped in Japan for over three years. It is beyond my patience, because the frivolity of Japanese life and Japanese people’s absurd behavior constantly offend me, and the Japanese society system and etiquette suffocate me. I simply cannot stay in Japan more than six months, which I have discovered. As soon as I earn some money to be able to take a vacation, I quit my job and visit Mexico to see my friends so that I can become a human being again. It has become my habit to quit a job every six months to take a breath outside of Japan. It has already happened four times in succession these past three years, and every time my vacation is over, my depression has gotten deeper and deeper. I am helplessly beaten by Japan and can only see total darkness in my future.

Five months has elapsed since I turned thirty-three years old. It is supposed to be the grandest year in my life, but I do not feel that way anymore. This is the age when my idol Henry Miller decided to quit his job, leave everything behind, and made a vow to dedicate all his time to writing for the rest of his life. Once I thought that when I reached thirty-three years old, I would leave everything behind and start dedicating all my time to writing like him, but it seems like a fairy tale to me now. I have no money and still do not know how to begin writing a book. It has become a gigantic task for me to write a book, like Mt. Fuji, where the top of mountain is extremely beautiful from the bottom, but it seems impossible to climb. Let me confess that I have not been able to start climbing yet: I am thoroughly paralyzed.

I Have Become an Utter Failure

It has been three years since my golden age was over. Irrevocable fate has decided to send me back to the place I have avoided seeing ever since I succeeded in escaping: Japan. I am perpetually melancholy and incurably depressed. Nothing can cheer me up, nothing can make me happy and excited, and nothing can give me any joy and enthusiasm. Even literature had slipped away from me. I have tried to read my favorite authors to cure my emotional devastation and get my life back to where it is supposed to be, but nothing can work on me. I cannot see any hope in the future; I have become an utter failure. I am at the bottom now where I have never fallen down so deeply. I even do not care of what will happen in the future anymore and am totally indifferent to everything.

I always recall my wonderful adventures in the world, especially Canada, where I spent the best years in my life. The truth is that it has become impossible for me to adjust to Japanese society anymore.

I have met all my friends in Canada, Australia, and Mexico. And I miss them so much. I was supposed to finish writing my first book in Vancouver. However, I could not write a single line of my book. Only God knows what was wrong with me at that time. I had buried myself in books almost for ten hours every day to find out a clue how to begin and had tried to imitate my heroes’ writing styles, but everything came to nullity. I was constantly afraid of one thing: going back to Japan to take a job again. The idea of taking a job in Japan terrorized me like an incessant nightmare. Finally, the worst situation happened: financial crisis came upon me, and my visa expired. I had no choice, but with shame, I had to go back to Japan to ask my parents to let me stay at their house for a while.

My Tribulation Is Finally Over!

The New Year has been coming. I am celebrating on the Happy New Year 2010 with my friends in Playa Del Carmen. Fifth Avenue is so crowded with excited people from all over the world. Ramon is shouting, “Hey, man, have you ever seen so many beautiful women to gather on one street? Welcome to Paradise!” The loud music is everywhere, and fireworks are being shot under the winter stars. People are shouting, “Happy New Year!” to each other, kissing each other, hugging each other, and dancing with joy. With tears on my eyes, I think that I have never seen people who are so full of life with sheer happiness in Japan, where I have only seen spiritually dead people. I ask myself, “Is it real? Can life change so dramatically by just changing a climate?”

I am trying to reach my friends, but I am not able to move freely because of excited mobs. People are constantly hitting my shoulders against their shoulders. However, it does not make me irritated a wee bit, since I am so happy and so excited about having been given the wonderful opportunity to start a new life in Mexico. I am surreptitiously whispering, “Thanks” to God for not abandoning one of his innocent lambs, and I am bowing down with my head almost touching on my knees. Whispering to God makes me delirious, so I start yelling at the top of my lungs, “Thanks Jesus in heaven, I am not in Japan anymore, and my tribulation is finally over!” Ramon is looking at me with a huge grin and says, “You’re too happy to be out of your mind, eh? Forget about your miserable Japan, you’re being in the safe continent now, ha-ha-ha. You know, I’m so happy right now, too, because you’re here to be spending the beginning of New Year with us. Thanks for staying with us for a while. It’s a real privilege for us to be having you stay at my apartment.” I think to myself that I have never heard of such benevolent words from Japanese bastards from whom I have only received false affections.

I am still flabbergasted to this day that how Lord Almighty decided to send the faithful brown angels at the precious time when I could no longer endure my sufferings anymore in order to rescue me from my everlasting nightmare.

Life Gives Us Full of Surprises

In order to tell my story, I should go back to my early twentieth year when my whole misery and tragedy began being unbearable. I just wanted to be true myself all the time and wanted to express myself freely. However, Japan did not allow me to express myself freely; I was restricted. The worst part was that Japan tried to manipulate me to become a useful citizen for the part of Japanese society like everybody else, with absolutely no concerns about my individuality and tried to make me believe that getting a good job is the most essential thing in one’s life. I never believe such shit though. However, my story begins after fate send me back to Japan and how I was sent to Mexico, where my best friends live and where I never thought that I would live. So many unexpected things have happened to my life since I began knocking about the world. My story is not a description of my hatred toward Japan; on the contrary, it is the confession of the man, who just wants to express himself in earnest and who simply wants to tell the truth from the depth of his heart. It is a story of the process of a man liberating himself from the place where he does not want to belong, so that he can start living his own life in his own sweet way. This book is for my fellow seekers who believe in life and individualism unconditionally and feel that life gives us full of surprises when one follows his destiny relentlessly. To be sure, life is fun to live!

Life Is Fun to Live

I had always thought that if I could manage to escape from monotonous Japanese life, I would be definitely happy, and I always dreamt about my future friends who would accept me as I truly am and who would be willingly to welcome me with open arms all over the world. Escaping from Japan became my obsession. Finally, the day came for me to escape from my inferno when I was twenty-five years old. As soon as I stretched my legs to the wide world, I met a lot of interesting people who welcomed me with open arms as exactly as I dreamt about in my lonely nights in Japan. I was utterly overwhelmed with the suddenly changed circumstances, because so many people started congregating around me to participate in the joy of life like shining stars in heaven. At last, I have realized that I have the great gift from heaven for making wonderful friends in the world. Hamsun said, “Life is fun to live, and God always works for us in mysterious ways.” I believe in this from the bottom of my heart due to my extraordinary experiences. I could not find any single friend in Japan, but when I started knocking about the world, making friends became the easiest thing for me. In Japan I am hopelessly an outsider, decidedly a weird person, constantly humiliated and insulted, while in the broad world I am praised to the God’s blue sky, decidedly respected, and ardently accepted as a brother.