I Was Hopelessly Alone

My tragedy was that as soon as I became true myself and started speaking freely and gave myself free rein to express my opinions about anything under the sun, I suddenly became an alien in my own country’s people’s eyes. They started pretending not to recognize me as a fellow countryman anymore. Japanese are obviously not ready to grasp what I am aiming at and sadly do not have a big heart enough to accept me as I truly am. They started whispering to each other after I showed my true colors to them, “He’s insane, to be sure as God’s sunrise, because he always talks about unfathomable things to ordinary Japanese like us. For instance, the importance of having a free spirit in one’s heart; Japanese people are herd animals as possessed swine running toward a disaster; one’s obligation to ponder over the meaning of life; and taking a job that one doesn’t believe in is the worst time waster that one can conceive. He wants to walk on streets leisurely and just sit at a café to enjoy looking at passersby every day; he reads a number of foreign books which only he can comprehend, but no Japanese dare to touch, etc.” They always reach the same conclusion among themselves, “Let him leave alone, because he’s been lost – he doesn’t belong to us or even to his own country.”  Thus, I had no choice; I became a wanderer who plays on muted strings with lonely tune and started talking to myself.

On the other hand, I had a great number of false friends in Japan. In order to pretend to be their friends, I was humiliated and insulted because I had to reduce myself to a nonentity like them. I obliged by talking about eternal nonsense such as: the latest Japanese TV shows, the latest mobile phones, the latest karaoke songs, the latest comic books, the latest Japanese pop singers, the latest video games, the unsatisfied situation of job environment, moneymaking, and so on and so forth. I cannot believe even now how I survived such afflictions every single day. I had to endure the worst humiliation that one can think of as I received insults. I felt that no human beings could suffer like me until I laid my eyes on Tropic of Cancer. It is still a miracle to me even now that I did not commit suicide. Perhaps, my mind was with God subconsciously – beyond loneliness in my own country.

I Am Absolutely a Lone Wolf

I have been a stranger to my own country and my own country’s people since I was a child. I should confess that I hate Japan from my guts. On top of it all, I have never fitted into Japanese society and have not yet even started to function as a useful person there. To tell the truth, I have never agreed with the Japanese society system and the Japanese way of life. I always wanted to escape from Japan to see the world so that I could be free as a bird. From my childhood on, one thing was crystal clear to me as if it were God’s revelation: I definitely do not belong in Japan, and I just happened to be born in the wrong country. I am absolutely a lone wolf and constantly suffocated by loneliness, because I have no one to talk with about my true feelings and even a fraction of my feelings.

I had never had friends in my life until I decided to say good-bye to my own country to see the world. I am talking about real friends you can trust with all your heart, talk to about anything freely with a heart’s content, and can always count on when you desperately need some help. In all my life, I always believe that having real friends is the most wonderful gift that life can offer all of us. Unfortunately, I could not find any single friend, and it was even impossible for me to be able to meet a single individual in whom I am interested in Japan.

I Feel So Great

It is a cool morning with a pleasant breeze. Morning fresh air makes my whole being awash. Mighty sun is about to rise on God’s heaven from east. I hop in the back seat and nod to the driver. While being driven to Mexico City Airport, I am contemplating all passing-sceneries, as if I were taking mental pictures. I still cannot believe that one’s life has changed so dramatically just within six months. I was nobody when I came to Mexico six months ago, but somehow I have completed writing my first book and eagerly stood on the starting line, as a writer with arms akimbo. I am still feeling that everything happened last six months is like a sheer brief dream and fairy tell. I was an utter failure six months ago. But I have been redeemed by my Mexican friends; I have been given a second chance. I did not want to lose this golden opportunity, so I have danced beyond myself and run at the top speed toward my dreams, with my head down like a bull. I have soared so high past six months and even did not remember how I have gotten there. This is the very first time in my life that I have lived my life to the fullest. And on top of it all, I feel so great. Aye, I am certain that if one believes in himself ultimately and never gives up, someday miracles will surely occur.

 

He Has Just Changed My Life

It has been around 3: 30 a.m. when we return to the apartment. Gerardo wants to stay with me until a cab driver arrives, but I know he will have a business meeting at the early morning. Besides, I do not want to have a dramatic leave-taking scene; I want it to be as brief as possible. For that reason, I say briefly, “Gerardo, you should go to the bed, for you have to go to Santa Fe by 7:30 in the morning. You can have only two hours to sleep. And also you need a rest, my friend. Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be okay. I’ll just take a shower and decamp, so….”

“I want to say good-bye to you, man,” he murmurs.

I give him an amicable hug and come out with, “Thanks, my friend. But you’ve already helped me too much. I can’t expect more. I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.”

Pause.

“Shogo, I want to tell you one last thing. Don’t worry about anything. You’ll be okay. You’ll stay in Japan only for a couple of months, so don’t be depressed. I really think that you can go to Vancouver very soon and believe that it will be sooner than you think. God always watches you over your shoulders, so just do what you must do, my friend.”

With that, he gives me a handshake and warm hug – vanishes into his room.

“I’m going to miss him awfully,” I think to myself with tears in my eyes. He is going to turn to be twenty-seven years old in several months, but for me, he is still seventeen-years old. Gerardo Veloz has kicked me in the ass to walk on my private destiny – he has just changed my life.

After I take a shower, I decide to wait for a cab outside. I grab my suitcase and backpack and leave the apartment keys on the table. And then I walk out the apartment with a heart overflowing with gratitude.

Oh My Sweet Lord, She Was Using Me!

He asks me a cigarette, and I light it for him. And then he opens the window, puffs in the air and rambles on while the cool air is blowing in, “Shogo, I have to disclose something, so please listen to me carefully. Tonight I thought that I would be slaughtered by the alcoholic vagina. When she was rushing toward me with a hysterical shriek, I was freaked out and almost shat in my pants. I’m not kidding, my friend. I’m goddamn serious; I’ve never seen such diabolical eyes, with a glint of death in all my life. It was like a slow-motion movie; my life was flashed before my eyes when she tried to attack me in vain. I saw you and me will be still good friends. You’ll knock down a number of books and be a respected writer. And the best part is that I’ll be a very successful business man. My model agency will be flourishing like scent of hyacinths; I’ll open numerous franchises across Pacific Ocean. I will be surrounding with a bunch of sexy vaginas, like Hugh Hefner, and my stallion is smiling… I’ll be so happy, you know, ha-ha-ha….”

I am flabbergasted by his palaver and cannot help remarking, “You, intoxicated son of bitch! Are you drunk? You seem to be a high spirit and try to enjoy every single moment, like a condemned man who is just pardoned from his death sentence, ha-ha-ha…. By the way, I still can’t believe that you bought eight drinks for the booze artist. With such a huge amount of money, you could have a thirty-minute dance twice, man! I’ve never seen a man who blindly buys drinks for a vagina without being compensated. What an asshole, ha-ha-ha….”

“Shut up, man! It was simply out of control and beyond my power. She is so beautiful, man, you know… sometimes things are just out of control… I was fucking infatuated by her charm. Damn it, alcoholic vagina bewitched me, man! Oh my sweet Lord, she was using me! My friend, she was using me, ha-ha-ha….” Here he is suddenly hypnotized by a passing car across the street, staring at it for seconds, and then exclaiming, “Did you see that vagina?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What? Didn’t you see that vagina who was just driving past?”

“Nope.”

“For God’s sake, please pay attention, Shogo! She is extremely beautiful. I believe that I’ve just seen a sweet angel fleeting away, you know…. Even though vaginas always deceive me, I love them dearly. You see, I’m totally in thrall to vaginas, and I have no control over them. What a power they have!”