I Couldn’t Control Myself

He ordered drinks and said nervously, “Shogo, I want to confess something to you, but don’t tell anyone, even Gerardo. This is between you and me. If I say this is between you and me, it must be between you and me, okay?”

I was laughing. And then I assured him, “Okay, Jorgito. I won’t tell anyone. Tell me whatever you want. My ears are all yours. Go on.”

“Shogo, I’ve never felt this way with any women in my life, but with Heather, things are so different. I am constantly jealous of her ex-boyfriend. I know she broke up with him a long time ago, but when she starts mentioning him, I can’t control my jealousy and can’t compose myself.”

I lit a cigarette and puffed in the air.

“But, Jorgito, why? What is your problem?” I queried. “He is her ex-boyfriend, so it doesn’t matter, he is past. Now she doesn’t see him, does she? So, what is the point of being jealous? Don’t be jealous of a silly thing like that. I know, you think she is very pure, but I tell you the divine truth. No women are virgins. Every woman is fucked once in her life. Jorgito, sorry to say, but I have to open your eyes – you can’t find a pure vagina nowadays; you can find only used vaginas. Even your Heather has been fucked by many dicks, sorry, but it’s the pure fact.”

“Ha-ha-ha…. I know, I know. Of course, we can find only used vaginas nowadays. But I don’t know what is wrong with me. Shogo, remember I went to Calgary to see her a month ago?”

“Of course, I remember.”

“When I was in Calgary, she invited me to have a dinner at an Indian restaurant. While we were eating, I wondered why she took me there because I know her ex-boyfriend was a kind of Indian origin. For that reason, I presumed they came here together often. That moment I couldn’t control myself and said a lot of foolish things to her. I was mad beyond recognition. I even couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I was so angry and simply couldn’t compose myself. I felt so ashamed after the dinner, but this was beyond my control. I know I should stop behaving like that, but I simply can’t control, you know, Shogo, I can’t control….”

I looked at his eyes squarely and said, “Jorgito, I think you’d better marry her. You are obviously head over heels in love with her – that’s why you got jealous of her ex-boyfriend so violently. But let me give you piece of friendly advice. You should stop behaving like that for your own sake, because if you continue being mad over her ex-boyfriend, you’ll face a serious consequence. She might leave you. I know it’s extremely tough for you not to think about it, but at least you should try to prevent these kinds of thoughts from invading your head.”

Exactly, Girls Are Like This Nowadays

Tonight he was in a talkative mood, more than usual, so I decided to give him a free rein to get it off his chest.

“I am totally on the same track, my friend. I can’t trust any women either. You know, women can tell us easily that they love us while looking squarely in our eyes without flinching, as if they are madly in love with us; however, I am so sure that when they meet a handsome guy at a night club or a bar, wherever else, they’ll let themselves be fucked without any conscience.”

“Exactly, girls are like this nowadays,” he chimed in. “Shogo, look at that waitress, I am pretty sure that she’ll fuck someone tonight. Look at that bartender; I am pretty sure that she’ll fuck someone tonight, too, ha-ha-ha….”

“Yap! I am so sure, too, as God’s sun never failing to rise. Only my wish is – they’ll be fucked good and proper tonight. That’s all!”

“Ha-ha-ha, I wish, too, Shogo. Oh my God, my first beer is almost gone. Hurry up, man. You have to choose some vaginas or ask Elaine right now.”

“Wait, man. Give me more time to search for a beautiful vagina. I need more time to decide. How about you? Have you decided which vagina you’re going to dance with?”

“Not yet. I can’t find a vagina I want to dance with. I’m still looking. Shogo, we should order our second drinks. The waiter told me if we don’t ask for another drink, we should leave because many customers are waiting outside.”

“No problem, order another drink for me, Jorgito.”

I Have to Enjoy Tonight.

I lit a cigarette and replied with a little excitement, “Wait, my friend. I want to reconnoiter first. I need to check if there are any new beautiful vaginas. Maybe, I’ll dance with a new vagina first, and then I’ll invite Elaine to drink with us. I’m determined to enjoy tonight and decided not to think about tomorrow.”

“What? Are you crazy, Shogo? It’ll be too expensive. Are you going to dance with two vaginas? Oh my God, you are the man! I think I should dance more than one song tonight. I always admire your attitude toward life. You are right. I have to enjoy tonight. You know, I should fuck as many vaginas as possible because Heather is coming to Mexico soon.”

“When is she coming?”

“February 24,” he made a pensive face and nodded.

He drank a bottle of beer and continued, “She wants to marry me. But I don’t want. I know she is a wonderful woman, and she never cheats on me. She is different from all my ex-girlfriends who always cheated on me behind my back. In all my life I’ve never met such a remarkable woman like her. I’ve never trusted any women and never loved them. Just I wanted to have a good time – that’s all. Also, I know I’ll never find a pure woman like her, but part of me warns me that I shouldn’t trust her. You know, Shogo, nowadays all women are bitches. They cheat on us very easily as if it were just an ordinary affair, nothing more and nothing less. For example, my friend met a woman on a street and started saying to her that she is very beautiful, she has an extremely attractive face, and so on and such craps. She told him that she is married, loves her husband, and has a three-years-old son, so she doesn’t want to do anything with him. But alas, after a week, they were fucking. I couldn’t believe that, but this is the reality. We have to accept. I can assure you that all women are bitches – we can’t trust them.”

I’ll Dance Tonight

It was a Saturday night. We decided to go to Excess to have fun. We arrived there around 10:30 p.m., but the place was already full of people. Jorgito was a bit anxious and said, “Shogo, we have to choose girls quickly because we’ll order only two drinks. We can’t stay here longer.”

“Why, Jorgito? Just enjoy tonight. Take a time and watch beautiful vaginas dancing. Find your vagina and have a private dance!”

“Of course, I’ll dance tonight, but the thing is that when we finish drinking, they’ll ask us to order another drink; if we won’t order anything, they’ll ask us to leave. That’s why we have to do everything quickly. I don’t have money and can’t spend too much money, man.”

I was laughing, “Again, are you thinking about money? Just enjoy, as we planned. This is your idea to come here tonight, my friend. Do you remember your impulsive speech? You said, ‘Shogo, when we become old, we can’t enjoy everything fully that life offers us. We are young now; therefore, we must enjoy everything with all our might. Don’t think future or past, but think only present to enjoy our lives at the most.’ These are your exact words, remember?”

He ordered our drinks and replied with a shamed smile on his lips, “Of course, I’ll enjoy tonight. Let’s see what will happen. But you have to ask Elaine now, because she is your sweetheart and can stay with us at least an hour or two hours – we don’t need to be worried about ordering drinks.”

I Am Paralyzed

I look down the uneven street and finally say, “Yap, you might be right. I should start writing something and should practice it. I’ll try to write something tomorrow after reading a book. Thanks, Gerardo. Well, I want to smoke, you can go upstairs.”

“Why? Let’s smoke at the apartment.”

“Yeah… but I just want to be alone for a while.”

“Okay… see you up there, man.”

I light a cigarette and look up the sky. I can see only few stars tonight, and the night is a wee bit chilly. I am peeved because what Gerardo has said is true: I am scared to death of writing. I know why he asked me about writing – because he is worried about me. I know that Jorgito too is worried about me although he did not reproach me directly, but I am very sure that he is still wondering why I have not gotten started. Gerardo knows me very well and must have been feeling that I am scared of writing – that is why he wanted to encourage me and push me to get started. They are true friends. I should have composed myself and should have accepted my inability to get started. However, I could not stop defending myself to him, because I know deep inside that he is absolutely right: I am afraid of starting to write. I very much love writing – I always write long letters to my friends and constantly write my own thoughts, but alas, whenever I try to write my book, I suddenly become paralyzed: I just cannot write anything. I didn’t want to acknowledge to my friends that I cannot write. This is my weakness. They are my true friends, so I should show them my weakness as well, but if the thing concerns writing, I refuse to show my inability to write to anyone even if they are my best friends. Because if I admit, all my strength, belief, and faith will be gone. Perhaps, I still cannot believe in myself fully; therefore, I defend myself obstinately whenever being asked about the progress of my book. I know that I have to use the worthy circumstances fully to start writing something; however, I am paralyzed. I am not able to write. And I am not ready to admit my weakness to even my best friends.