A Passionate Farewell Speech

It is the Twenty-Fourth of May and my last day in Mexico. I am ambling around the streets of Condesa with my hand in my pockets and looking at every corner of street and passers-by, with gratitude of tears in my eyes, as if I were just snatching a passionate farewell speech to Mexico. The brazing sun is grazing at me, as if Mexico knew my imminent departure and wanted to fortify me. Not at all, a sweet-tempered breeze is lightly caressing my cheeks and carrying the music of soughing trees to my ears, as though Mexico decided to lift up the voice to give me a farewell march. “Dear me, I’ll miss Mexico badly!” I think to myself nostalgically.

Returning to the apartment in a sentimental mood, my eyes happen to espy Jorgito, who is in front of the apartment walking to and fro impatiently. In fact, I am quite surprised to see him, since we said good-bye to each other yesterday. Hence, I ask with a curious look, “What a good surprise, amigo? What are you doing here?”

He gives me a huge grin and snaps, “Idiot, I was waiting for you!”

“But you told me that you would be busy today, and yesterday was the last time you could see me, so…,” I respond perplexedly.

He is looking at the cloudless sky pensively for a while and then starts explaining, “I really thought yesterday was my last chance to see you, amigo. That’s why I gave you the melodramatic speech and sang Seis pies abajo for you in front of my relatives, winding up with a mournful yell, ha-ha-ha…. But I thought I have a little time to spend before going to Toluca, and that you might be at the apartment to be packing. Furthermore, I really need to talk to you the very last time alone. Let’s go up stairs, I have a little time left,” he is patting on my back amicably, smiling.

I Will Miss Mexico Enormously

When one is able to spend wonderful moments and enjoy life every single day with abundance of a heart, time will elapse so fast without recognizing its quickness. On the other hand, when one is obliged by enduring a humdrum existence every day with a weary heart, time will become perdurable to him, and he will be tortured by its dragging way of elapsing. I must have enjoyed my life in Mexico to the fullest, since time had elapsed so quickly as a lightning. It was indeed as brief as blinking eyes. It seems to me that it was yesterday Gerardo picked me up at Mexico City Airport; however, without recognizing it, I have been in here almost for six months. It is the very first time in my life that I feel vividly alive and blissful every single day. I have thrived with all my might and run toward my destiny as best as I could possible every single day since I came to Mexico. My Mexican odyssey is being ended as suddenly as it was begun. I will miss Mexico enormously, but I certainly have no regrets.

I Totally Agree with You

He lit a cigarette and went on, “At any rate, thanks to your sonorous fart for getting rid of the filthy vagina. She got enraged and just decamped with a terrible shriek, ha-ha-ha….”

“She deserved it!” I snapped indignantly.

My remark must have finished him; he suddenly exploded with laughter, holding his belly with his hands. After he laughed to his heart’s content, he said affirmatively with still laughter of tears in his eyes, “Yap, you’re goddamn right. I totally agree with you. That horrid vagina certainly deserved your contempt fart, ha-ha-ha…. To tell the truth, I enormously regret that I didn’t blast my Molotov cocktail right on her face at the first place, you know…. By the way, tomorrow we should go to my parent’s house, so that you can say good-bye to my folk… damn it! I still can’t believe that I didn’t jig with any vaginas tonight. But what can we do? Should I just wait for my stallion to simmer down? Shit, we definitely need Excess, my friend!”

My Patience Has a Limit

At last, one vagina came to our table. She was decidedly an unattractive vagina. This was a last straw for Gerardo, and he exploded, “Oh my God! It’s too much, it’s too much, my friend. I’ve been waiting for beautiful vaginas for three hours like a good altar boy, but not like this one. Can you believe that only one ugly vagina has showed up to our table? What a nightmare! Christ, time has elapsed so quickly, we have no choice, man, we have to pick up some vaginas to have a private dance. But I can’t find any vaginas who I fancy to jig with. Wait, Shogo, I’ll ask this vagina how much she’ll ask for a private dance. Give me a second, my friend.”


“It’s goddamn outrage!” he bellowed. “Can you beat it? Fucking vagina named me extravagant price only for two songs! You know what? I’m not going to have any private dance tonight. I right on refuse to pay such an extravagant price for ugly vaginas. By the way, she told me that you can boink her, but you have to pay five thousand pesos. Can you believe that this gross vagina is offering us such an absurd price?”

I had been very patient, but it was the last straw for me. I was not Gandhi; my patience had a limit. My vexation was just reached to the maximum. I could no longer refrain from exploding and flared up, “Idiot! That’s why I’ve told you countless times that we should change the place, but you, son of bitch, adamantly refused my suggestion right in my face. Guess what? What happened? Now the foul vagina is asking us the fucking extravagant price! God forbids! It’s your fucking fault, man. I can’t believe myself that I even don’t have any private dances in my very last raid of a strip club under the Mexican sky! Gerardo, you annihilated my last mission, man, you really annihilated it, man!”

With that, I let myself give a loud fart in order to insult the unreasonable vagina.

“Oh my God! What was that? You, son of bitch, gave such a loud fart in the public place!” Gerardo was astounded.

“I didn’t intend to produce such a loud fart. To be earnest with you, it was much louder than I expected,” I explained confoundedly.

“What, son of bitch? Didn’t expect it? Shame on you, man! Don’t you have any compunction? You’re constantly polluting my fatherland, man! Mexico has been kind to you, welcomed you with open arms, and accepted you as a spiritual brother. On top of it all, Mexico has inspired you to launch on writing your very first book. But you, son of bitch, gave such a loud fart to the face of Mexican soil! You owe Mexico, and this is how you repay it to my country?”

I Don’t Understand Anything

I decidedly did not trust him; I trusted my professional eyes and instinct. I am the first discipline of Ramon Garcia the pimp master; he has taught me how to distinguish from a good strip club to a sucked strip club. My eyes have been trained, and I have been educated how to reconnoiter a place at the first glance by one of the great pimp masters in our generation. All in all, thanks to Ramon, I now have the ability to sense an erroneous ambiance in a matter of seconds. My every single fiber had been against this God forbidden place since I sailed in. Unfortunately, Gerardo, Fernando, and Eloy had not been trained enough to perceive this wrong ambiance; they were scandalously pleased and ignorantly anticipating for dazzling vaginas to sweet their feet off, with a high spirit. I was indescribably vexed.

A good two hours had elapsed without any vaginas coming to our table. Gerardo was getting anxious and uttered with obvious uneasiness, “Shogo, I don’t understand anything. Why the hell haven’t any vaginas come to our table? It seems to me that they’re forever congregating around the same clients over and over. And to cap it all, I can’t see any beautiful vaginas, but only ugly vaginas. I’m starting to realize that I’ve made an unforgivable mistake, namely, trusting fucking Fernando.”

I lit a cigarette and puffed in the air. And then I replied in frustrated voice, “I’ve already told you that this place sucks, but you didn’t listen to me, son of bitch! I’ve suggested you a number of times that we should change the place, but you’ve headstrongly landed your Mexican ass on the sofa and refused to move an inch as stubborn as a mule. It’s fucking your fault, I tell you, man!”

“Easy, man, take it easy, man! It’s not my fault but fucking Fernando’s fault, man! So please stop yelling at me. My friend, you know how much I want to have a private dance tonight. I’ve asked Fernando and Eloy to change the place many times, but they said they can’t, for they bought expensive bottles of tequila. They can’t move till they finished them. The essential problem is that Eloy is a fucking table dance virgin, so he is just excited by watching naked vaginas parading around – he’s already turned on. Look at his fly, Shogo, it is widely open! Can you beat it? What a humiliating prick!”