How Did You Do That, Man?

We have been patiently waiting for some attractive vaginas to show up until twelve, but it is no luck for us. Thereupon, we decide to change the place. As we arrive at the last destination, Gerardo suggests optimistically, “Shogo, this is our last card. I think we can’t expect beautiful vaginas tonight due to it being Monday night. For that reason, we should stop being picky and just try to enjoy whatever they offer us; you know, just pick a vagina and have a private dance. This is your last night, so I want you to have fun, my friend.”

“Yeah, you’re goddamn right. We must enjoy tonight come hell or high water. Let’s do it, my friend,” I nod approvingly.

We choose the table right beside the main dance stage. Gerardo orders drinks for us and utters, “I think this place has more vaginas. By the way, I can’t believe you’re gone by the morning. I’ll miss you, man.”

I light a cigarette, puff in the air thoughtfully, and then express my nostalgic feeling, “Yeah, I still can’t believe my mission in Mexico will be over in several hours. As a matter of fact, it’s all too strange to me; I feel like I came to Mexico yesterday, you know…. The time has flown so fast like snapping fingers. In my past Mexican adventures, I’d always stayed for a month; this time, I’ve been stayed for six months. I don’t comprehend anything, man….”

“Shogo, six months is nothing. You should’ve stayed with us at least two or three years, you know….  Anyway, I still can’t believe that you’ve enjoyed Mexico to the fullest without Spanish. You, obstinate son of bitch, refused to speak Spanish; you spoke only English. But you had a wonderful time and enjoyed Mexican life every single day. How did you do that, man? Ha-ha-ha…,” he is laughing.

The Greatest Insult on the Face of Earth

We are appalled when we sail in the first strip club with a full of ebullience. The place is being almost empty, and only five ugly vaginas are parading around. Gerardo gets mad and cries out, “What the fuck is happening here? Christ, I can’t have a private dance tonight again? God forbids! I really need to jig with vaginas tonight, you know…. But I can’t possibly jig with such monsters! It seems to me that my stallion is upsetting, help me God!”

As soon as we are escorted to the table, two grotesque vaginas approach our table and sit down uninvitingly. Gerardo looks at me alarmingly, lifting his left eyebrow up, which means that he has just received the greatest insult on the face of earth and made up his mind to get rid of them in the fastest way. Sure enough, he starts pretending not to speak Spanish and runs off at the mouth with Japanese, which he only mastered during his sojourn in Japan, “コンニチワ… ゲンキデスカ?… アナタノナマエハナンデスカ?… アナタノマンコアイシテマス….”

He has contumaciously kept on babbling the senseless Japanese phrases until they became beside themselves with rage and irritation, would free the table.

We Lost Our Temple Unfortunately

I light a cigarette and fall to pondering for a few minutes. And then I pipe up enthusiastically, “I think you prove the point, my friend. Likewise, I only fall on a strip club when I’m in Mexico. Besides, the last time was total disaster, remember? I don’t want my last night to be a total fiasco, you know…. Do you have any idea where we should sail in?”

He lapses into thinking for a while and shoots back, “Yeah, that’s the fucking problem. We lost our temple unfortunately, you know…. Do you remember that we saw two strip clubs on the road while driving to the dampest strip club in Mexico? I’m thinking we should crash both of them. If we don’t like the first one, we’ll just go to the other one. What do you think, my friend?”

“I’m in, my friend,” I beam and extend my right hand affirmatively.

He shakes my hand pleasingly and asserts lively, “I know you, Shogo, I know you, man. I knew you’re going to agree with my plan beforehand, ha-ha-ha….”

I’m Not a Dump Ass

It has been around 7:00 p.m. when Gerardo hotfoots back to the apartment breathlessly. He is twirling into the room and leaping on his bed vigorously. He seems excited about something. He flings his jacket, lights a cigarette, and then utters, “Have you done packing already, my friend?”

“What was the meaning of his twirling?” I am baffled. Hence, I ask curiously, “Yap, it’s almost done. How was your day?”

“Extremely busy, man. I had to answer annoying phone calls all day. Believe me, Shogo, it was chaotic; it never stopped ringing, really, really, man. I even didn’t have a time to take a leak; I almost soaked through my pants, ha-ha-ha….”


“Shogo, do you know what I’ve been thinking the whole day?”

“No idea. Fire it away!”

He brings out into open with an expectant smile, “You know, it’s a terrible idea for us to go to the farewell dinner tonight. Today is your last day in Mexico, and to be frank with you, I prefer vaginas, man. Why don’t we just cut the crap and go straight to a strip club tonight for good?”

“Idiot!” I exclaim. “Today is Monday, so every strip club has only a few unattractive vaginas. Besides, I have to wake up early tomorrow morning in order to catch a plane. Gerardo, think carefully about what you’re suggesting!”

“Oh my God! Son of a bitch, are you fucking gay? I know that there will be only ugly vaginas, but we should try at least, for today is the last day of your Mexican odyssey. Besides, I badly need vaginas tonight, you know…. Once you’re gone, I’ll have no one to invade a strip club. I only foray into a strip club when you’re in Mexico – that’s why I’m begging you. And also I know that you have to wake up early tomorrow morning; I’m not a dump ass, believe me. Thus, I’ve already hired a cab to pick you up at the apartment at 4:00 a.m. We should go to a strip club around nine and come back to the apartment by two. You see, I’ve already calculated everything down to the last details, my friend, ha-ha-ha….”

Please Never Go Back to Your Old Life Again

I am dumbstruck by his impassionate bombast for a full minute and do not know what to do with his ardent performance. And then I cannot refrain from bursting out laughing anymore and allow myself laughing hilariously, clapping my hands.

“Amigo, I’m not kidding; I’m goddamn serious!” he exclaims.

“I know, I know, Jorgito, but I just couldn’t… you know… I just couldn’t compose myself, please forgive me…. Anyway, thanks for your eloquent performance; I’ll never forget it. In fact, how can I forget such a zealous performance? You can be modern Mark Twine, so to say, ha-ha-ha…,” I am still laughing.

“Oh, come on, amigo! By the way, I have to go now. Actually, it is too late, so I must hurry up. But I have to tell you one more thing. Please never go back to your old life again. Shogo, you’re a writer now, so please never take a job again. And also you must minimize your stay in Japan and figure out the fastest way to decamp. I’m thinking that you should ask someone to invest in your work, you know, like my business. If I didn’t have any investors for my business, I couldn’t build houses; you know, I just thought so….”

With that, he stands up and gives me a strong handshake.

“Thanks for everything, Jorgito. I’ll definitely miss you,” I walk towards the door and open it for him.

Before he steps out the apartment, he asks expectantly, “Do you remember my passionate speech?”

“Of course, why?”

He gives me a cheerful grin and remarks with a horse wink, “Very good, amigo. I want you to write my glorious speech in your next book.”

“What? Idiot! That’s why you gave me such a pep talk?” I am open mouthed.

He is chuckling delightfully. And then he gives me a farewell hug and starts descending on stairs. As he is almost about to vanish, he suddenly whirls to face me and shouts, “I’ll miss you very much, Shogo. Mexico will miss you. Please, please never take a job again!”