What Is Wrong with Her?

Seeking the Meaning of Life

He was suddenly standing up, “Shogo, let’s go to Kings Pub, I want to drink tonight.”

I was a little surprised because he had a job tomorrow; however, I accepted going there because I thought that he might want to spill something out from his chest, so I just said, “Let’s go!”

We were on the way to Kings Pub. It was a chilly night with gray clouds above us. While walking on the street, he suddenly asked, “Shogo, how about my cousin? She likes you very much. I guess more than that. She is in love with you. That’s why she always comes to you to talk. She is always straight. If she doesn’t like someone, she’ll say it right in one’s face. I’ve seen her expressing her feelings toward people many times. Indeed, she always asks about you. I know her very well, my friend.”

“What? Are you talking about the kooky vagina? She is in love with me, no thank you very much! Are you crazy? You know she is nuts, don’t you?”

He was laughing, “Of course, I know that vagina is loony, but you know, she has blonde hair, blue eyes, and isn’t tall. I think she is your type, ha-ha-ha….”

“Are you drunken already, man? Are you delusional? You think I care about the noisy dwarf? You think stupid Leticia has a chance to do something with me? I tell you, it’s nil. Never! Not on your life, man! Anyway, I like to talk with her and enjoy being with her sometimes, like once every three months.”

“Ha-ha-ha, I know, my friend. I understand what you mean. Sometimes she is okay, and I like her, but sometimes I don’t like her. You know, she always wants to get attention, that vagina. But she is your best friend, so what is wrong with her?”

“What is wrong with her? Everything. I don’t know why stupid Leticia always introduces me to her friends as her best friend. Besides, I have no idea how she got such a fanatical notion into her head in the first place. She always says, ‘Hello, my best,’ but I’m not her best; only she thinks I am her best, you know, how that vagina’s mind works, ha-ha-ha….”

He was laughing, “I know that stupid vagina. Anyway, you have to see her again soon because we have a Christmas party that is going to be held her sister’s house. Sorry, my friend. She’ll disturb you the whole night, ha-ha-ha….”

That’s New to You

Seeking the Meaning of Life

“Let me explain, my friend,” I lit a cigarette and replied, “I love her as a spiritual sister, you know. Not in love in the actual sense; I love her spiritually. That’s new to you, I know. I don’t want to have a girlfriend, but I would like to have a sweetheart whom I can see without any jealousy. I don’t need such silly feelings right now. These feelings are unwelcome to me. I love whores, you know, because they can cheat on me openly without any guilty feelings; not like ordinary vaginas who constantly cheat on us behind our backs; that is unforgivable for me. I don’t need such things right now. I don’t want to feel any jealousy for any vaginas; I don’t want to be distracted with such feelings right now. But, Elaine, I don’t need to worry about anything and don’t need to feel any jealousy. If I see her dancing other guys, I just nod to myself with warm sympathy, because I completely understand everything: she is just doing her job, nothing more and nothing less. Do you comprehend such a mutual harmony, my friend? She is simply doing her job; she needs to pay rent, buy clothes, eat, and so on, like ordinary people. I call this free love. She gives me free love, my friend. I don’t need to wonder if she really loves me; I don’t need to worry if she cheats on me; I don’t need to feel any jealousy: I simply love her. What a wonderful feeling to love someone indeed without any anxiety! I don’t need to receive her love in return: I just give my love to her freely. That’s why I love her, ha-ha-ha….”

“I understand you now. In this way, I understand you. But before you said you are madly in love with her, which I don’t believe. Yeah, I agree with you – it’s good to fall in love with a whore sometimes. Free love, I like that. Take care of your sweetheart, ha-ha-ha….”

I Totally Lost You

Seeking the Meaning of Life

I lit a cigarette and answered happily, “I think I’m in love with her, man. Please don’t say anything; just hear me out. Listen, my friend, I asked her out for next Tuesday. You know, I always have fun with her. I really enjoy being with her, spending time with her, and talking with her. As you know, I’ve been faithful to her for three years, in my own way, of course. Three years of faith is not a joke, my friend. I have no shame confessing that I am madly in love with her.”

“What? Are you sure? I don’t believe you,” he said with a bewildered face, “I know your faith with her is quite genuine because I’ve witnessed that you’ve constantly danced with her these past three years. It’s too much, no? However, my friend, however, she is a whore. She dances with many guys every night; many guys touch her body every night. Wake up, man. You’re not in love with her. I know you, man. You just want to be a romantic son of bitch. You think falling in love with a whore is something new to you and falling in love with a whore adds a spice of mystery to your character, I know you, man, ha-ha-ha. But I don’t buy such shit! Tell me the truth, man! Also, I remember what you said: you don’t want to have a girlfriend until you are recognized as a writer. What is wrong with you tonight?”

“Watch out your language, will you?” I bellowed. “First of all, you can’t call her just a whore – she is an extraordinary whore, do you understand? Needless to say, she is very beautiful, actually extremely beautiful – I worship her rosy vagina. She is in love with me and vice-versa. What is wrong with that? I know she is a whore. Maybe, being a whore shines her virtue and makes me love her more, I guess.”

He lit a cigarette and drank a glass of water to cool down his throat.

“Are you nuts? Why, man? Open your eyes, she is a whore. You can’t be in love with a whore. I totally lost you. I really don’t understand what you’re talking about. Shogo, give some earthly explanations to make me understand, please. I lost you, man.”

I Am So Happy Today

Seeking the Meaning of Life

I soothed him with tears of laughter in my eyes, “Okay, okay, Gerardo. Take it easy, man, ha-ha-ha… just let me continue the story. As I said, we were very happy in the morning. We went to Starbucks to have morning coffee, and we talked about our extraordinary lives. And then we went to Chili’s to have lunch. The food was so delicious, by the way. As usual, Jorgito ate too much. He ordered a double fajita and gulped down everything. His stomach must be bottomless, I guess. After the lunch, we went to Antara Polanco to watch a movie. We watched Avatar, which happened to be a wonderful movie. You must watch it, Gerardo. Anyway, after watching it, we decided to go home, but while we were on the way home, Jorgito suddenly looked toward heaven as if he had gotten divine inspiration and said, ‘Shogo, I am so happy today. Everything was so nice, nice talking at Starbucks, nice food at Chili’s, and the nice movie. I like Avatar so much. Listen, Shogo, the angels of heaven whispered to my right ear just before – they suggested we go to Excess right now so that we’ll have the perfect ending for our night. What do you think? I am serious. It wasn’t one angel; they were seven of them with singing voices. Trust me, Shogo, God wants us to enjoy tonight at the most.’ And he nodded with a solemn smile. I thought why he has suddenly started acting mysterious? Why didn’t he simply say that he wants to go to Excess tonight? Why does he put a haughty air about him? Anyway, it was good idea to celebrate on our enraptured day at Excess; it was indeed the fantastic idea for our blissful day to be finished with sexy vaginas. Thus, I agreed with him immediately. As soon as he got my concession, he aggressively drove to Excess like a happy lunatic. I never see him driving so wild. You see, that was spontaneous! That’s why I couldn’t invite you.”

He burst out laughing, “Son of bitch, okay, okay, I know what stupid Jorge is like when he gets excited, that idiot! However, you must invite me next time you go to Excess, okay? I really want to go there; I always want to go there to touch beautiful vaginas to my heart’s content, ha-ha-ha…. By the way, did you dance with your sweetheart or find a new vagina?”

“Of course, I danced with Elaine, my friend!” my face is brightened and continued, “it was wild, my friends, so wild indeed, believe me. And Jorgito did a thirty-minute dance with a Hungarian vagina, and he came in his pants just two minutes, ha-ha-ha….”

“What? Stupid Jorge danced thirty minutes? He came in his pants just two minutes? Ha-ha-ha, it’s so quick, no? Oh my God, was he excited? That son of bitch really enjoyed last night without me.”

“Yap,” I nodded. “He enjoyed it too much. I never see him in so happy mood, ha-ha-ha….”

“But how about you? Tell me about Elaine. Are you going out with her? She likes you very much. What happened yesterday? For God’s sake, tell me everything, Shogo.”

This is the Best Hamburger I’ve Ever Eaten

Here Elaine came. I invited her to drink and talked to her to my heart’s content. I decided to have a fifteen-minute dance with her. After our dance was over, we came back to the table, hand in hand, but Jorgito was not there. While we were chatting about trivial things, he came back to our table as happy as a god. He announced, “Shogo, we have to go right now because it’s been past 2:00 a.m.”

So we said good-bye to Elaine, and I promised to take her out next Tuesday because Tuesday is only her day off. Before we left, she whispered something into his left ear. As soon as we sailed out, I asked him what she said to him.

“Shogo, she is really in love with you. You know what she said? She said to me, ‘Oh, how I love him.’ Oh my God, you are very lucky, man. I saw she kissed you in front of everyone with her eyes closed. You know, it’s prohibited to kiss clients on the main dancing floor, but she didn’t care. You should go out with her.”

“Ha-ha-ha, I know she loves me, and I love her. We’re going out next Tuesday, my friend.”

“Really? Of course, I’m going with you.”

We were coming to the parking which has a little vender selling hamburgers and hotdogs.

“Let’s eat hamburgers, Shogo.”

He ordered hamburgers for us and said with a bright smile, “Shogo, I danced and came in my pants.”

“Ha-ha-ha, you’re joking. Really? You came in your pants? How?”

He tightened his lips and nodded three times, “Yes, Shogo. I came. I came in just two minutes.”

I burst out laughing with tears on my eyes, “Idiot! You came in only two minutes! You are the quickest man alive on this earth, ha-ha-ha. Who’s the lucky girl? Danced only one song?”

“You saw the blond one who has a lascivious ass. She is Hungarian. She knows how to move and how to arouse a man’s lust. I had a thirty-minute dance with her.”

“What? Are you out of your mind? That’s why you were away such a long time? You said you didn’t have money and were constantly worried about the expense. How come? You paid two thousand pesos? What’s happened while I was dancing with Elaine?”

“Nothing special, man. I just asked the Hungarian vagina to come to my table. In fact, we talked a little. As soon as she touched my prick, and I grabbed her huge teats, my erection looked toward heaven. I naturally yelled at a waitress in order to buy a ticket. And we went into the room, hand in hand, you know, in the dark corner.”

“Ha-ha-ha, asshole. Well, I am so glad you enjoyed dancing with her. It was good news, man. I’ve been enjoying everything today, my friend. We had a great day.”

“Yes, I’ve enjoyed so much, too. I like today very much. Everything is great today, and finishing with Excess is the perfect ending. Just perfect. Oh my God, this is very delicious. I love this hamburger very much. This is the best hamburger I’ve ever eaten. Stop laughing, Shogo. It’s true. It’s so delicious. I’m so happy, my friend, although my underwear is in a sorry condition right now, and it gives me an uncomfortable feeling though. Shogo, we have to come back to Excess soon. You know, I don’t have money, but….”