Please Stop Worrying

After Gerardo enjoyed reading my tragedy thoroughly, he wrote me back: 

Ha-ha-ha…  My friend, I tell you that your e-mail was extremely funny (well, just for me), because I guessed that it was not funny for you; you were very desperate when you wrote it. I wish that your stomach condition will be better soon.

Well, I have an appointment with my doctor on the coming Monday. I feel much better now; however, most of days I have fucking diarrhea. I do not know why I have fucking diarrhea all the time. Maybe, because of alcohol or spicy food, but I am not sure. I absolutely understood the trepidation when you said that you are afraid of going out, because you do not know whether you might be going to shit in your pants. Really, trust me, my friend – I have been there and in your shoes countless times. It is horrible when you cannot hold a caca. Once out of desperation, I started yelling at Almighty Lord in heaven, “Lord, why did you choose me over other billion people? Why did you particularly choose an innocent Mexican boy? I have to go to work, so stop this unpleasant sensation on my stomach in this right instance. Please I beg thee!” But He never answers my prayer as He ignores yours.

Anyway, why did your intestine get inflammation? As I know, you neither eat spicy food nor drink a lot. I think that your meals are good, and you always eat very healthy food. Perhaps, tobacco causes your illness, since you smoke a lot as me. Or perhaps, Japanese atmosphere causes your illness. Maybe, you are stressed out. You should leave Japan for good as soon as possible, man, ha-ha-ha…

My friend, you cannot bang girls anymore, ha-ha-ha…. Oh my God, what a shame! Because when you start banging a girl, you might get the unpleasant sensation on your intestine and might get UC attack. And the worst situation is that you might scatter shit all over a bed while you are banging a girl aggressively. So, you will be virgin again for a very long time, ha-ha-ha. I do not think that you can survive without banging though.

All joking aside, stop worrying, my friend. It is in your mind. I think that you are always afraid of shitting and constantly think about a bathroom which make your illness worse. I really think that it is a kind of psychological problem. For that reason, please stop thinking about your illness and try to think about something else. I assure you, my friend, that this is in your head. You will be fine, so please stop worrying. Take all the medicines that the doctor has prescribed for you and try to stop smoking. Well, Mr. King of shit, ha-ha-ha…. Take great care of yourself and good luck to your stomach.

Mr. King of Fornication

Gerardo Casanova