Good-Bye And Good Luck to the Stupid Job

He drinks a bottle of coke and is looking at the outside painfully for seconds. And then he lets in, “Shogo, I would like to share my worst experiences of ulcerative colitis attacks with you. Do you remember that we were in Acapulco four years ago when I first got UC attack? It was the second nights. When we came back to the house from the night club, everyone was so tired and went to beds to sleep right away. I was so tired too, but I felt strange sensation on my stomach. I tried to ignore it and fall asleep. After thirty minutes passed, I suddenly wanted to go to a bathroom. I tried to get up and lift my ass carefully, but it was too late, brother. I couldn’t hold shit, and it scattered all over the bed. It was so humiliating, you know – I was helpless. I just couldn’t hold it. My stomach totally lost control. It was a fucking nightmare!”

I totally understand how he felt that night, since I actually have the same illness, and I have had the same sorts of horrible experiences; however, I cannot refrain from bursting out laughing and let myself laugh uproariously. After I laugh my head off, I reply with tears of laughter in my eyes, “Sorry amigo, I’m laughing so much. Please forgive me. But don’t worry about your misfortune, because I completely understand how you felt and how humiliated you were that night. It’s impossible for you to hold it when you get UC attack. But allow me to ask you – how did it happen, amigo? Because we slept in the same room with Gerardo and Gabriel, and nobody noticed anything unusual.”

He explains abashedly, “Because I cleaned and washed the goddamn sheet and blanket myself in the bathroom surreptitiously.”

I am still laughing like a madman. “Was it really true?” I tease him, “you washed them in the crack of morning. Did you tiptoe out of the room? Sorry man, but it’s one of funniest things I have ever heard in my life. Heaven, it’s so hilarious!”

“Oh, please, Shogo, stop laughing. I’m so serious and worried about the stupid illness and caca!”

Pause.

“Pay attention, brother, I haven’t finished it yet,” he continues, “the other horrible incident occurred while I was driving for a job interview. In my despair I was caught by a traffic jam, what a bad luck! You know how terrible Mexican traffic jam is – it’s unbelievable. Anyway, I couldn’t move due to the fucking traffic jam, and suddenly, my stomach got a familiar and detestable sensation. Can you imagine that I got UC attack in the middle of the traffic jam? I was so panicked, man! I couldn’t get off the car and couldn’t find any fucking bathroom. And it was too late. While I was panic-stricken to find the way out, shit was shooting out like an avalanche. I couldn’t hold it; actually, it was impossible for a human being to hold it. I gathered all my superhuman strength to hold it and squeezed my ass with all my might, but the calamity of UC attack was ineluctable. And the worst part was that I surrendered to the forthcoming disgrace with dismay, ah!”

“Ha-ha-ha…. Oh my God! What a humiliating blow!” I am guffawing. “You got UC attack in the middle of traffic jam? Heaven, you don’t say! It was helpless, man. What happened then? Did you go to the job interview?”

“Idiot!” he screams. “Are you out of your mind? How could I go to the job interview with shit on my pants? No, brother, I didn’t go to the stupid job interview. I called them and said I don’t want to take a fucking job anymore. Good-bye and good luck to the stupid job. With that, I hung up. I had to endure such an unpleasant feeling over two hours to get home to wash myself. Can you imagine that shit was in my pants for two hours? I opened all the windows to let the fresh air in, but it didn’t work. The smell was repulsive. My BMW was contaminated by my own caca, so to speak. It was abhorrent and humiliating!”