Living in Total Despair

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I have no idea how long I have been depressed and dispirited. I have no idea how long I have been living in total despair. I am sad all the time and have no energy for anything. Even I do not care about anything, I mean that I really do not care about anything – I even don’t give any shit to women. Even I have no idea when this awful depression has started, but one thing is crystal clear to me: I have an infinite void in my heart. The funny part is that, you know, my dear readers (If I have any), nobody notices my state of depression, except my Mexican and Columbian friends. People always say to me, “You look so happy and energetic! Why do you always look so happy?” Can you beat it? No Japanese people notice my depression and say to me, “Are you okay? Why are you so depressed? No sir! No single individual offers me any sympathetic words! The truth is that people are able to see only other people’s appearances; people are not able to see other people’s heart.

Life has been so hard for me for years, since I have lost any hope for my future and enthusiasm for life itself. When I was young, I had a dream, you know, I wanted to be an artist. I had undying passion and respect for writing. I was so happy every day, since my whole energy went to writing. I loved reading books and could not pass the day without reading them. But not anymore. I have completely lost my faith in writing and passion for it. I have been no purpose in my life for years. My life has become just a humdrum existence and I have kept frittering my time away every single day….

There Is Another Way

“Of course, man! He was right to be angry with you, because he has tried to support you in every possible way, so that you can achieve your goal. Moreover, he simply wants to see you be recognized as a writer and wants to help liberate you from where you don’t want to belong. You have to understand why he is angry with you. To be candid with you, I am angry with you right now. Why, Shogo? Tell me only one plausible explanation for going back to Japan? Please make me understand your hasty decision. Do you miss Japan? Tell me the truth, man!”

I was looking down for several seconds with my hands in my pockets and replied, “Gerardo, of course, I don’t want to go back to Japan, believe me, but the truth is that I’ve been frittering my time away for the past several days because of this fucking problem. I couldn’t progress my work because I simply can’t concentrate on writing. This fucking problem has constantly been bothering my mind like a pest. As you see, I’ve been perpetually agitated for past several days. The worst part is that I’m losing my equilibrium. Moreover, I know Jorgito and you want to help me, but it isn’t a pleasant feeling for me to ask you for money all the time even if you are my best friend, trust me. Wait, Gerardo, I know what you want to say, but just listen. I know you are a very good person and good friend – you’ll sacrifice your needs for me when the thing becomes unsolvable. And I don’t want to let it happen. Besides, I know you don’t have money, son of bitch! I don’t want to make you sacrifice for me. The main point is that I want to compose myself again. Maybe, in two weeks, I’ll come back here, I promise.”

“I know what you’re feeling, and I know you haven’t been yourself for past several days. Of course, I don’t have money, but I want to help you. Do you really think you don’t have another option? Think harder, my friend.”

Pause.

“Maybe, there is another way.”

“What?”
            “I said I know another way to solve out the problem; however, it is only temporary. I guess I should go to Los Angeles.”

“Why? Tell me everything.”

“They told me that I can’t fix my problem in Los Angeles, but there is a Japanese agency which will lend me an emergency card. If I get the card, my parents can deposit money into the account, and I can withdraw it here.”

His face was brightened by the prospect of hope, “It is good news, man! Why didn’t you tell me this before? Who cares if the card is temporary or not? The important thing is that you can withdraw money here. Shogo, get the emergency card, ask your parents to deposit all money you have into the account, withdraw all the money, and keep it into a safe place. That’s it, my friend! You don’t need to fix your card problem; just let it be invalid like a used condom, ha-ha-ha.”

I smiled at his spontaneous mirth and said, “You are right, my friend. Tomorrow I’ll call Los Angeles to get more information about the emergency card. I guess it’s cheaper flying to Los Angeles than flying to Japan, isn’t it?”

“Of course, it’s much cheaper, man!” he piped up, “it is between four hundred and five hundred American dollars. Anyway, you can go there with less than five hundred American dollars. And good thing is that now Voralis has international flight, so you can go to Los Angeles from Toluca Airport. I’ll buy the flight ticket for you. Call me tomorrow after you get the information and let me know how many days you want to stay there, okay?”