I am approaching PARCO. Without thinking, I am taking an escalator to ascend to the second floor where there are balconies on both sides of the buildings with some tables and chairs arranged. As soon as I find an empty table, I let myself sit down. Out of desperation, I force myself to face the music. My heroes actually took a long time to publish their first books, but they had constantly practiced writing, contributing to magazines or newspapers. They had wasted millions of words to reach such masterly states. On the other hand, I always boast to everyone that I am a writer, but in fact, I have never written anything, not even a single line. I have let eight years elapsed without any serious writing, except having researched books endlessly to find something to inspire me to get started. What is wrong with me? Why do I never try to write something seriously? I am feeling that I am a thoroughly useless and utter failure. However, I do not want to take a job again and waste my time anymore, for taking a job is not my aim in this life, and I cannot endure unbearable humiliation again, namely, pretending to be someone else. I know with all my conscience that I do not want to be like the rest of Japanese and do not want to participate in daily frivolous Japanese activities.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! Even if I am completely isolated from the rest of Japanese and fight against them alone, I refuse to take a job again and refuse to pretend to be someone else and refuse to make false friends and refuse to bow before those I do not respect and refuse to smile at someone I hate and refuse to work for organizations and refuse to have a boss, and on top of it all, I refuse to contribute anything toward Japanese society. Even though I have still not proved myself yet, I know what I want from my life and know what kinds of life I do not want to lead. I do not believe in Japanese government, education system, politics, or in any kind of institutions. In fact, I have nothing to do with them and also have nothing in common with them. I am a freeman! I think that any organizational groups do not improve me as a human being; on the contrary, they ruin my individuality, piece by piece. I prefer solo performances and prefer to sing my own music even if I sing a little key off. Withal, I want to cultivate my individuality. I do not think that I have totally wasted my time although I have not written anything, because at least I have been striving for what I want to be with all my might. That is something to me.