Whenever the phobia assaults my heart, I find refuge in my favorite authors who give me direction and hope. In addition, they make me understand that I am not alone in having such sufferings in my own country, but they had been through the same experiences and overcame them! When unbearable loneliness invades into my heart, I always read Hamsun, Miller, and Hesse. They have become my only friends in Japan, and their books have become my bibles. They speak to my heart, give me strength to keep on my head up, and make me feel that I am not alone. “You have no time being maudlin, mister! You are obliged to read books to improve yourself every single hour that you are available,” I reproach myself. “Maybe, this time I’ll find a perfect solution in books,” I nod and say aloud, “This is it!” while snapping my fingers. The idea of finding the perfect solution in books cheers my spirit up, and I decide to take a train to go home as quickly as possible, as though my every problem would solve itself just by the act of opening my favorite books.
I am thinking to myself that what a perfect time I spent there, and how I felt so contented in Acapulco by being surrounded with my friends while strolling around the park wistfully. How courageous I was and how strong my faith in life was three years ago. Now I am devoid of any enthusiasm in life and cannot see how I can escape from my helpless tribulations. Now I am in exactly the same desperate situation as Jorgito is in. I know that I should quit my job, so that I can be dedicated to my writing and can spend all my time on it; nevertheless, I am now like Jorgito. I am so worried about stupid money because, without money, I cannot go back to Vancouver and cannot find a place to stay there. Why do I just quit my job and buy a flight ticket for Vancouver? It seems so easy to me, the idea itself, but I am afraid of taking a step, because I know if I do that, in two months, I will be destitute. I want to quit my job, but my circumstances cannot allow it, which has completely become my dilemma. And I have been suffering from it unbearably.
I love listening to the music of soughing trees, which always give me a mysterious feeling and always makes me happy while I am strolling around a park. I also love walking on the streets aimlessly, immersed in my own thoughts. But alas, in Japan even the sound of soughing trees and walking on the streets make me dispirited. I totally do not know what I am going to do; I am constantly feeling consternation about my future and myself.