Whenever the phobia assaults my heart, I find refuge in my favorite authors who give me direction and hope. In addition, they make me understand that I am not alone in having such sufferings in my own country, but they had been through the same experiences and overcame them! When unbearable loneliness invades into my heart, I always read Hamsun, Miller, and Hesse. They have become my only friends in Japan, and their books have become my bibles. They speak to my heart, give me strength to keep on my head up, and make me feel that I am not alone. “You have no time being maudlin, mister! You are obliged to read books to improve yourself every single hour that you are available,” I reproach myself. “Maybe, this time I’ll find a perfect solution in books,” I nod and say aloud, “This is it!” while snapping my fingers. The idea of finding the perfect solution in books cheers my spirit up, and I decide to take a train to go home as quickly as possible, as though my every problem would solve itself just by the act of opening my favorite books.
I am thinking to myself that what a perfect time I spent there, and how I felt so contented in Acapulco by being surrounded with my friends while strolling around the park wistfully. How courageous I was and how strong my faith in life was three years ago. Now I am devoid of any enthusiasm in life and cannot see how I can escape from my helpless tribulations. Now I am in exactly the same desperate situation as Jorgito is in. I know that I should quit my job, so that I can be dedicated to my writing and can spend all my time on it; nevertheless, I am now like Jorgito. I am so worried about stupid money because, without money, I cannot go back to Vancouver and cannot find a place to stay there. Why do I just quit my job and buy a flight ticket for Vancouver? It seems so easy to me, the idea itself, but I am afraid of taking a step, because I know if I do that, in two months, I will be destitute. I want to quit my job, but my circumstances cannot allow it, which has completely become my dilemma. And I have been suffering from it unbearably.
I love listening to the music of soughing trees, which always give me a mysterious feeling and always makes me happy while I am strolling around a park. I also love walking on the streets aimlessly, immersed in my own thoughts. But alas, in Japan even the sound of soughing trees and walking on the streets make me dispirited. I totally do not know what I am going to do; I am constantly feeling consternation about my future and myself.
“Yes, I can see them.”
“Shogo, here in Mexico we have a bunch of poor people. Our economy is very bad because of the fucking Mexican government. You know, Japan is a very rich country, and Japanese might have money, but they don’t have any life, and they don’t know how to enjoy their lives. I think Japanese are very sad people because they just work, work, work every day. See those people down there, even though their houses are almost decrepit, and they don’t have any money, they have mighty sunshine; they enjoy their lives so much, and the mighty sunshine gives them courage each day. We Mexicans know how to enjoy life with only sunshine!”
I was completely touched with this simple truth and exclaimed, “Jorgito, you are utterly right about it. Japanese are miserable creatures unfortunately who only know how to go to work on time every day. I am ashamed of my fellow countrymen. They should learn how to enjoy life more than how to make money; however, it’s hopeless for me to talk about the simple truth to them, shit! You are lucky for being a Mexican; not being Japanese, ha-ha-ha.”
He replied with tears of laughter in his eyes, “Shogo, you really hate Japan. I thoroughly understand you, so don’t worry. However, it’s so funny to see one genuinely despise his own country from the bottom of the heart, and I’ve never seen one expressing his hatred toward his own country so violently in my life. I am sorry, I’m laughing at you so much, but I can’t help it.”
He wiped his tears with his back of left hand and continued, “Here we are just sitting with a beautiful view and aren’t being worried about anything. We’re just enjoying our talks and feeling so relaxed and peaceful. It is the meaning of life, Shogo!”
At this moment, Gabriel passed by and gave a loud fart right beside us without any embarrassment, as if it were Mexican’s privilege to fart publicly to their heart’s content.
“Fucking Gabriel! He certainly has no shame, that idiot, but Jorgito, it’s the meaning of life, too!”
“Ha-ha-ha! Stupid Gabriel! It is the meaning of life, too, of course, Shogo!”
Here he was jumping around the chair and interrupting me delightedly, “You are the man, Shogo! You always teach me how to endure my sufferings and what I have to do to fulfill my mission. You know, Shogo, I totally agree with what you said, everything down to the last details, and you always inspire me. I promise I’ll do my best for my mission and will soon quit my job so that I can be free. I know my friends will say a lot of foolish things to me, but I‘ll ignore them. If I try to explain them what I’m doing, it’ll be wasting my breath because they simply can’t understand. I have a great deal to achieve, so I can’t waste my precious time and breathe either, ha-ha-ha.”
Here I couldn’t refrain myself from bursting out laughing because of his pure enthusiasm and said, “Cheers for our freedom, my friend!”
“Salud por nuestra libertad, amigo!”
After a brief silence, he said, “You know, Shogo, you are one step ahead of me because you absolutely know what you want to do for the rest of your life. But for me, I just know I don’t want to participate in the society system, don’t want to be employed, and just want to be free.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter. The important thing is whether you fight for your dear life each day even if you have no idea what sort of road you’re going to walk on in the future. And I am pretty sure that you’ll figure out what you want to do in your life along the road.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Thank you very much for always encouraging me, Shogo. But I feel as long as I am employed, I can’t escape from this frivolous society system and cannot find the exit. I’ve been running, running to try to escape from this mess in all my life, but I only find walls that have obstinately blocked me so far. But you know, I am a warrior; I’ll fight for my dear life until I’ll find the exit! I think God has sent you into my life so that I can complete my mission, I really think so.”
“Yes, it is goddamn difficult for me to persevere my mission in Japan. I am perpetually vexed, depressed, and melancholic. The perfect trilogy, ha-ha-ha. That’s the truth. That’s why I always take a vacation every six months to visit Mexico. Frankly, Jorgito, whenever picturing to myself that I’ll be working five days a week like a slave for the rest of my life, I feel like committing suicide. I really don’t want to hang around with Japanese because every time I go out with them, they always complain about their job circumstances. They just want to get it off their chest, so that they can go to work the next day as if their sufferings had disappeared. You know, I don’t want to jeopardize my life like them. They are incurably ignorant, because they will do what they don’t like for the rest of life and will never know of the meaning of life. When they retire, they will realize they haven’t done anything in their lives except working five days a week constantly. It will be too late for them to change their lives at that juncture, because they will be simply too old to do it and will be totally depressed if they think about it seriously. What they will have in their heart for the rest of their old live is: absolute regret for their past life. I refuse to be like them and be happy being alone in Japan even if I sometimes feel unbearable loneliness. You’ll be better off alone, trust me, Jorgito. It’s better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t understand you. Besides, I don’t have any time to listen to their nonsense because I have an important mission to fulfill. Being a writer is the most important thing in my life, not taking a job like a slave. Hence, I always contemplate about my new adventure, namely, going back to Vancouver to write my book which gives me hope and courage.”