I Was Hopelessly Alone

My tragedy was that as soon as I became true myself and started speaking freely and gave myself free rein to express my opinions about anything under the sun, I suddenly became an alien in my own country’s people’s eyes. They started pretending not to recognize me as a fellow countryman anymore. Japanese are obviously not ready to grasp what I am aiming at and sadly do not have a big heart enough to accept me as I truly am. They started whispering to each other after I showed my true colors to them, “He’s insane, to be sure as God’s sunrise, because he always talks about unfathomable things to ordinary Japanese like us. For instance, the importance of having a free spirit in one’s heart; Japanese people are herd animals as possessed swine running toward a disaster; one’s obligation to ponder over the meaning of life; and taking a job that one doesn’t believe in is the worst time waster that one can conceive. He wants to walk on streets leisurely and just sit at a café to enjoy looking at passersby every day; he reads a number of foreign books which only he can comprehend, but no Japanese dare to touch, etc.” They always reach the same conclusion among themselves, “Let him leave alone, because he’s been lost – he doesn’t belong to us or even to his own country.”  Thus, I had no choice; I became a wanderer who plays on muted strings with lonely tune and started talking to myself.

On the other hand, I had a great number of false friends in Japan. In order to pretend to be their friends, I was humiliated and insulted because I had to reduce myself to a nonentity like them. I obliged by talking about eternal nonsense such as: the latest Japanese TV shows, the latest mobile phones, the latest karaoke songs, the latest comic books, the latest Japanese pop singers, the latest video games, the unsatisfied situation of job environment, moneymaking, and so on and so forth. I cannot believe even now how I survived such afflictions every single day. I had to endure the worst humiliation that one can think of as I received insults. I felt that no human beings could suffer like me until I laid my eyes on Tropic of Cancer. It is still a miracle to me even now that I did not commit suicide. Perhaps, my mind was with God subconsciously – beyond loneliness in my own country.

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