I’m Not a Dump Ass

It has been around 7:00 p.m. when Gerardo hotfoots back to the apartment breathlessly. He is twirling into the room and leaping on his bed vigorously. He seems excited about something. He flings his jacket, lights a cigarette, and then utters, “Have you done packing already, my friend?”

“What was the meaning of his twirling?” I am baffled. Hence, I ask curiously, “Yap, it’s almost done. How was your day?”

“Extremely busy, man. I had to answer annoying phone calls all day. Believe me, Shogo, it was chaotic; it never stopped ringing, really, really, man. I even didn’t have a time to take a leak; I almost soaked through my pants, ha-ha-ha….”


“Shogo, do you know what I’ve been thinking the whole day?”

“No idea. Fire it away!”

He brings out into open with an expectant smile, “You know, it’s a terrible idea for us to go to the farewell dinner tonight. Today is your last day in Mexico, and to be frank with you, I prefer vaginas, man. Why don’t we just cut the crap and go straight to a strip club tonight for good?”

“Idiot!” I exclaim. “Today is Monday, so every strip club has only a few unattractive vaginas. Besides, I have to wake up early tomorrow morning in order to catch a plane. Gerardo, think carefully about what you’re suggesting!”

“Oh my God! Son of a bitch, are you fucking gay? I know that there will be only ugly vaginas, but we should try at least, for today is the last day of your Mexican odyssey. Besides, I badly need vaginas tonight, you know…. Once you’re gone, I’ll have no one to invade a strip club. I only foray into a strip club when you’re in Mexico – that’s why I’m begging you. And also I know that you have to wake up early tomorrow morning; I’m not a dump ass, believe me. Thus, I’ve already hired a cab to pick you up at the apartment at 4:00 a.m. We should go to a strip club around nine and come back to the apartment by two. You see, I’ve already calculated everything down to the last details, my friend, ha-ha-ha….”

Please Never Go Back to Your Old Life Again

I am dumbstruck by his impassionate bombast for a full minute and do not know what to do with his ardent performance. And then I cannot refrain from bursting out laughing anymore and allow myself laughing hilariously, clapping my hands.

“Amigo, I’m not kidding; I’m goddamn serious!” he exclaims.

“I know, I know, Jorgito, but I just couldn’t… you know… I just couldn’t compose myself, please forgive me…. Anyway, thanks for your eloquent performance; I’ll never forget it. In fact, how can I forget such a zealous performance? You can be modern Mark Twine, so to say, ha-ha-ha…,” I am still laughing.

“Oh, come on, amigo! By the way, I have to go now. Actually, it is too late, so I must hurry up. But I have to tell you one more thing. Please never go back to your old life again. Shogo, you’re a writer now, so please never take a job again. And also you must minimize your stay in Japan and figure out the fastest way to decamp. I’m thinking that you should ask someone to invest in your work, you know, like my business. If I didn’t have any investors for my business, I couldn’t build houses; you know, I just thought so….”

With that, he stands up and gives me a strong handshake.

“Thanks for everything, Jorgito. I’ll definitely miss you,” I walk towards the door and open it for him.

Before he steps out the apartment, he asks expectantly, “Do you remember my passionate speech?”

“Of course, why?”

He gives me a cheerful grin and remarks with a horse wink, “Very good, amigo. I want you to write my glorious speech in your next book.”

“What? Idiot! That’s why you gave me such a pep talk?” I am open mouthed.

He is chuckling delightfully. And then he gives me a farewell hug and starts descending on stairs. As he is almost about to vanish, he suddenly whirls to face me and shouts, “I’ll miss you very much, Shogo. Mexico will miss you. Please, please never take a job again!”