I Am Merely a Student of Life

I went to the outside, lit a cigarette, and tried to bring myself under control. I was dissatisfied with the altercation, for she abruptly ended the discussion by shrieking. As a matter of fact, her hysterical shriek almost took my breath away. “Katerina Ivanovna must have shrieked like that when she saw Pyotor Petrovich Luzhin appearing on the threshold of the room after the memorial meal,” I thought to myself.

After collecting myself, I decided to see the principal.

As soon as I entered the office, he offered me a chair to sit down and inquired eagerly, “How was going on the conference? Are you okay with everything now?”

I looked at his eyes determinedly and told him everything without omitting any single detail.

He pondered over the issue for a while, with a troubled expression on his face, and then spoke, “I was extremely surprised by seeing you so angry. I know you, Shogo, you’re always friendly and easy going. I’ve never dreamt of seeing you bursting into my office agitatedly. I now understand why you’re upset though. To be frank with you, I didn’t expect the conference would end badly. It was not good for her part to end the meeting abruptly; however, it was not good for you to talk with your professor in this defiant fashion.”


“I admit that I talked to her disrespectfully; nevertheless, I didn’t regret it. Please try to understand me, sir. Today I went to talk to her with a firm resolution. I needed to fight for what I faithfully believe in. Look at me, sir, I am Japanese, and English is my second language. On the other hand, English is her mother tongue, and she has been teaching English literature for fifteen years. Today I went to the battle field, like a soldier without any weapons. I stood on the same filed as naked as I was born, even though she has a great deal of experiences; I am merely a student of life. And then what happened? She didn’t give me a courtesy to stand on the same filed. I tried to stand on the same field face to face, with an infinite disadvantage, but she dismissed me with the hysterical shriek. It’s not fair, you know…. Over and above, her reaction just confirmed me that something must be wrong with education system,” I expressed my feeling in agitated voice.

You’re Insulting Me Too Much!

“What? Do you want to drop out the course due to my sloppy remark?”

“Yes, I very much do. I’d love to drop out the course immediately, for I am unfamiliar with what you’re teaching. If I can’t write what I truly think, it’ll be tantamount to fooling away my time. I refuse to participate in a farce. Furthermore, I’ve already fed up writing what you love to hear. I would rather write what I truly think in order to improve myself. You always teach us that we have to find some credible statements to support our opinions first, but it’s a sheer absurdity. In the first place, one must understand what his opinions are and try to figure out them from his own stand point of view. And then he should find some statements that support them. Above all, he must write what he truly thinks. Your teaching is authentic trash, I suppose.”

Her face was now becoming ugly by tantrum – her eyes glinted vengeance. She stared at me spitefully and blew up, “Okay, you don’t care about audiences. You obviously write to only yourself; your whole audience is only yourself. You only care what you think of; you don’t give any shit to what other people think of. I strongly recommend that you shouldn’t write essay or any kinds of writing, since you only care about your own opinions. Why don’t you start writing a diary? I suggest you should start writing a diary to amuse yourself, so that you’ll be a solo reader.”

“Yeah, it might be a good idea,” I said sarcastically, showing a defiant smile on my lips. And then I brought up the subject that I must confront her, “By the way, you always gave me good marks on my past essays, since I wrote what you wanted to hear; nevertheless, you gave me ‘F’ on the last essay, that I depicted my candid thoughts. I don’t comprehend anything, since you gave good marks to rubbish essays and gave me ‘F’ to my best writing. And to cap it all, you’re afraid of my opinions. Why Socrates in heaven have you had cold feet? It’s transparent that my opinions have the power to influence people. Let me tell you something. My classmates always ask me to lend my essay to them, so that they can get some ideas for theirs; they think I’m a good writer. And also this time, too, some of them asked me to borrow my essay. Every one of them said that my essay was well-written and asked me how I could write like this. Do you know why? Because I’ve written what I truly feel from the bottom of my heart. Writing from the innermost heart has the power to move people’s minds. If my essay is twaddle, as you gave me the lowest mark, how has my essay given such a great impression on them? If my essay has the power to impress people, but you’re unable to recognize it and think it is gobbledygook, I guess that education system must be wrong.”

Here she abruptly stood up, approached the threshold, and opened the door widely. She looked at the floor for a few seconds, with her long black hire overlapping her face. And all of a sudden she shrieked in inhuman voice, “Please leave for right this instance. Shogo, you’re insulting me too much!”

I was dumbfounded by her outburst and decamped, without perceiving what just happened.

Do I Make Myself Clear?

“Listen carefully. America had burned his books, because he told the truth and expressed his sincere feelings. He showed his anger at his own country without any reservations. He criticized American society system and way of life forthrightly. He wanted to change the world for the better, you know….”

“But it broke the ice eventually.”

“Yes, that’s correct. It broke the ice eventually, for he was a great writer; his writing has the power to influence a great deal of people. Even these days a lot of people still admire him and read his books in order to be enlightened. I’m telling you this due to your ignorance. Henry Miller believed in himself faithfully and never wrote for majority in order to earn money; he wrote his books, so that he could express his true feelings. Fame and money were doodly-squat to him. His only concern was expressing himself ultimately. Do you really think that this sort of man’s opinions is low level? You can insult me anytime you want, but I can’t allow you to insult the man, whom I revere to the heaven. Do I make myself clear?” I countered emotionally.


“Maybe, Henry Miller was a rare man who didn’t concern about the majority. However, in reality, writers concern about the majority when they write books; otherwise, nobody will read their books.”

Her pride did not allow admitting her mistake, that was the last straw for me. I had to fight for what I believed in. Thus, I said what I had to say, “I totally disagree with you; I think you’re hopelessly erroneous. I don’t want to fritter away my time anymore. I’ll drop out the course with pleasure. It’s already too much nonsense to me.”

I Do Really Care of My Hero

As I entered the English department with a full of resolution, she was talking to her colleague in an obviously good spirit, that made me infuriated. I uttered sharply, “Excuse me, may I talk to you? It’s urgent.”

My unanticipated reappearance on the scene spooked at her morbidly, as if she saw apparition before her eyes. She fidgeted, “Why are you coming back? I thought we are quits… please sit down here….”

I sat on the chair agitatedly and stated firmly, “I just let you know that I’ve talked to the principal. And most importantly, he’s asked me to talk to you about the situation all over again.”

Her face became pale, and she muttered, “Why did you do that? You’ve consented to the arrangement. And you said you don’t care about the grade.”

“I don’t care about the stupid grade. But I do really care of my hero. You simply can’t talk about Henry Miller like that. Your opinion of him makes me embarrassed. You’ve never read his books clearly, for if you’d had, you would’ve never blabbed such a shockingly unintelligent comment. He was the man, who always sang his songs in his own tune at the top of his lungs in his whole lifetime. Shame on you!”

“What on earth are you talking about, Shogo? What do you want from me?” she was totally bewildered by my incensed tone.

“You should know, when he published his first book, Tropic of Cancer, in France, America rejected his book. What’s more, his books had been burned in his own country for over thirty years. Meanwhile, his books had become international best seller in France, Japan, etc. Do you know why his books were burned in his own country?”

She glared at my eyes and retorted, twitching on the corner of her left mouth, “You tell me.”

Her Parting Words Outraged Me

She nodded pensively, “Well, Shogo, I need to give you a grade on this essay.” She pretended to be looking at her note in order to give me an impression. She wrote down the grade on the last page of my essay, handed over it to me, and resumed, “I gave you ‘F’ on this essay. You failed on this time. I think your essay is quite off topic. I read your essay very carefully with extra attention and reached the conclusion. And you don’t care about grade, so….”

“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t expect that you’d understand my essay anyway,” I was standing up and walking to the door. As I was about to step out the threshold, she gave me Parthian shot, “Shogo, I forgot to tell you one thing. Many critics said that Henry Miller’s opinions are very low level and laughed at them.”

Her parting words outraged me. It was okay with me that she insulted me and failed me. As a matter of fact, I put up with this frivolous reality, notwithstanding I was nauseated of preposterous education system to the hell. Still and all I could not allow her to insult my hero. “Why did she insult Henry Miller?” I was talking to myself aloud while waiting for an elevator. I could allow her to insult me as much as she wished but never my hero. I could not forgive her and determined to make her apologize for gibing my hero. I decided to decline her proposal flatly and made my mind to have a straight talk with the principal.

Thereupon, I dashed to the principal’s office as fast as I could carry my legs, with indescribable indignation. I told the principle everything down to the last details. He thought that some misunderstanding must have occurred between us. For that reason, he wanted me to go back to the English department to talk with her again and come back to his office to let him know of denouement.