I Was Not Ready to Be Defeated Yet

liberation.jpg“Yes, when I was a slave in Japan. I felt in total despair every day because I had to pretend to be someone else in order to earn money. I had to go to work to do my supposed duty, which I didn’t believe in a bit. I wanted to write a book, but I couldn’t produce anything. I wanted to escape from the futile social atmosphere, but I had no idea how. And suddenly, everything became impossible to me, and I could see only unlimited void in my future. I tried to read my favorite books to cheer myself up, but no use. Even Hermann Hesse couldn’t rescue me from the hopeless apathy. Thereupon, I surrendered to total despondency without fighting. I even went further and let myself lay on the bed for thirty-five hours.”

“What? Are you crazy?” his curiosity was piqued, and he demanded, “Did you lie down on the bed for thirty-five hours without doing anything? What did you do on the bed for such long hours? Tell me, Shogo, I beg you.”

“Nothing! Nothing at all, my friend. I was just lying down on the bed and staring at the ceiling. I was thinking how hopeless my future was and how my every fervent effort went wrong. But it did me good. After thirty-five hours of depression, I woke up again with renewed energy to start fighting for my life. During my brooding, I realized I was not ready to be defeated yet, because I’ve not done my best apparently; I had not even written a single book yet. I decided I would keep on fighting till the world recognizes that I have a literary power. My friend, why don’t you let yourself surrender and become dispirited today? It’ll alleviate your despondency somehow, believe me. But I don’t want to see you in this gloomy condition tomorrow; I expect you’ll be a different man and wake up triumphant.”

“I’ve never thought about that – it’s very interesting. I like your idea of total resignation. I’ll let myself be saturated with a gloomy view of the future today. I hope the feeling of antipathy will be gone tomorrow.”

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