My Suffering Had Meaning.

I decided to go to Starbucks near Ramon’s apartment, where usually only a few people occupy the second floor and where I can be all myself in order to gush down my thoughts on papers. While walking on my way to Starbucks along the golf course, I was so radiant as though I had become the sun itself because my heart was blazing ferociously. I was as light as air and gliding on asphalt like a wind. Suddenly, my eyes caught a beautiful blond mother with ocean blue eyes sitting on a bench, who was changing her child’s diaper; I thought that the mother herself needs to have her underwear changed by a Japanese caress, perhaps? I was shaking my head chidingly, “Not today, not today, sir! You have more important things to do now. Vagina can wait! Now off you go, idiot!”

As soon as I came to Starbucks, I grabbed Java Chip Frappuccino and glided to the second floor. I completely lost the track of time and did not have any idea how long I had been writing when Ramon called me, “Hey bitch, where are you? It’s now around seven, I am waiting for you at the apartment.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know it’s been so late. I’ll be right back. Wait for me there, okay? I’ll tell you everything that has happened to me today when I am back there. Ramon, you aren’t going to believe me!”

“Hey, calm down, bitch. Do you want me to pick you up there?”

“No, my friend. I’d rather feel like walking after such an incredible experience that I’ve been through, because I’ve been blossoming the entire day.”

“Ha-ha-ha. As you wish, bitch. But come home soon, okay?”

“Like the wind!”

After I hung up the phone, I decided to read what I just had written. When I read it, uncontrollable tears were streaming down my face. It was so natural; I simply couldn’t stop them from streaming down. It showed me that I’ve always written in my head subconsciously, what I have always felt about my life and the world. It was revealed to me that I could express my feelings on papers. This realization was enough for me. I felt like being rewarded for my persistence and understood that my suffering had meaning.

A Wanderer Thanks God for Life

I still could not believe that the blazing sun was above me, since it was January. Japan was now freezing, with a bitter wind, perhaps? “It is a marvelous day indeed, so I don’t need to hurry to strike a conversation with this beautiful woman with a white bikini. Take time, Shogo,” I talked to myself under the breath. Ergo, I just nodded and said hello to her. As soon as I opened A Wonder Plays on Muted Strings, I completely forgot about the lovely woman with a white bikini sitting right beside me, for I was so engrossed in Hamsun’s lyrical and passionate language. The marvelous passage made me shiver to the core of my being:

“It is wrong of a captain to ask God to forgive him – as he forgives God. He is simply dramatizing. A wanderer who does not each day find food and drink, clothes and shoes, house and home provided, according to his needs, feels just the right degree of privation when all these splendors are absent. If one thing does not work out, another will. And if that other fails to work out also, he does not go around forgiving God but takes the responsibility himself. He put his shoulder to the wheel of fortune – that is to say, he bows his back before it. It is a trifle hard on flesh and blood, it grays the hair horribly; but a wanderer thanks God for life, it was fun to live!”

This rapturous passage enlightened me and made me fall into reverie. Do I need to wait for divine inspiration from above in order to get started? Why don’t I just start writing from what my heart tells me? In all my life, I have always known what I want to say, and I have eagerly carried my own unique music inside me. The problem is that I have always tried to write everything into a single book heretofore – that is why I have not gotten started yet. I do not need to write all my thoughts into a single book; why don’t I just start writing what I feel like expressing today? Hamsun has revealed to me: “If one thing does not work out, another will.” If I write nonsense today, maybe, I can write something good tomorrow. The imperative thing is that I ought to start writing and ought to keep on writing every day faithfully. I do not need to ask God to give me inspiration; I just listen to my heart. If I listen to my heart attentively and write according to what my heart tells me, God will take care of the rest. No matter what happens, I just have to take the responsibility myself.

I could not control the excitement anymore, for I felt like starting to write a book immediately. I suddenly jumped up and thanked the ravishing lady sunbathing right beside me for enlightening me and kissed both her cheeks. She looked at me confoundedly and said involuntarily, “You’re welcome.” She was still staring at me bewilderedly, but I did not say anything. I just bowed deeply and bolted to Fifth Avenue like a firecracker.

I just Have to Surrender to My Heart.

Sometimes we cannot explain how a certain thing occurs in our lives. Usually, it is a most crucial thing, which you have fervently craved your entire life. You cry, scream, gibber, pray, and curse, but it never budges. Out of desperation, you swear that you will abandon your faith in Almighty God and will forever turn your back on Him while making the silliest defiant expression on your face. But it is not enough. In order to show your everlasting agony and disappointment with Him, you start pulling your hair out hysterically, dance sacrilegiously, and spit up to the heavens insolently, but it still does not budge a wee bit. It has become beyond your comprehension; you become dispirited to the point of giving it up – that moment, the thing somehow befalls upon you out of the blue.

It is easier than I thought, because I do not need to force myself; I just have to surrender to my heart. It was eleventh of January; I was ambling on the Fifth Avenue in the sun as fresh as a baby god, singing a French song, “la-la-la-la-la!” I did not understand what made me elated in this morning, but the essential thing was that I was actually high spirited. In this exuberant mood, I went to Mamita Beach to read a book and enjoy looking at the horizon with the sound of the calm sea and the mighty sun. When I came to Mamita Beach, there had been already a bunch of beautiful women getting tanned, and a blazing sunshine was bathing them. The sight of them made my eyes water, and I thanked God ardently for sustaining and for my being alive to witness this phenomenon. When I saw a vacant spot right beside a ravishing woman sunbathing in the sun, I swiftly dove onto the white sand right next to her.