No Thank You Very Much!

He was suddenly standing up, “Shogo, let’s go to Kings Pub, I want to drink tonight.”

I was a little surprised because he had a job tomorrow; however, I accepted going there because I thought that he might want to spill something out from his chest, so I just said, “Let’s go!”

We were on the way to Kings Pub. It was a chilly night with gray clouds above us. While walking on the street, he suddenly asked, “Shogo, how about my cousin? She likes you very much. I guess more than that. She is in love with you. That’s why she always comes to you to talk. She is always straight. If she doesn’t like someone, she’ll say it right in one’s face. I’ve seen her expressing her feelings toward people many times. Indeed, she always asks about you. I know her very well, my friend.”

“What? Are you talking about the kooky vagina? She is in love with me, no thank you very much! Are you crazy? You know she is nuts, don’t you?”

He was laughing, “Of course, I know that vagina is loony, but you know, she has blonde hair, blue eyes, and isn’t tall. I think she is your type, ha-ha-ha….”

“Are you drunken already, man? Are you delusional? You think I care about the noisy dwarf? You think stupid Leticia has a chance to do something with me? I tell you, it’s nil. Never! Not on your life, man! Anyway, I like to talk with her and enjoy being with her sometimes, like once every three months.”

“Ha-ha-ha, I know, my friend. I understand what you mean. Sometimes she is okay, and I like her, but sometimes I don’t like her. You know, she always wants to get attention, that vagina. But she is your best friend, so what is wrong with her?”

“What is wrong with her? Everything. I don’t know why stupid Leticia always introduces me to her friends as her best friend. Besides, I have no idea how she got such a fanatical notion into her head in the first place. She always says, ‘Hello, my best,’ but I’m not her best; only she thinks I am her best, you know, how that vagina’s mind works, ha-ha-ha….”

He was laughing, “I know that stupid vagina. Anyway, you have to see her again soon because we have a Christmas party that is going to be held her sister’s house. Sorry, my friend. She’ll disturb you the whole night, ha-ha-ha….”

Free Love

He lit a cigarette and drank a glass of water to cool down his throat.

“Are you nuts? Why, man? Open your eyes, she is a whore. You can’t be in love with a whore. I totally lost you. I really don’t understand what you’re talking about. Shogo, give some earthly explanations to make me understand, please. I lost you, man.”

Pause.

“Let me explain, my friend,” I lit a cigarette and replied, “I love her as a spiritual sister, you know. Not in love in the actual sense; I love her spiritually. That’s new to you, I know. I don’t want to have a girlfriend, but I would like to have a sweetheart whom I can see without any jealousy. I don’t need such silly feelings right now. These feelings are unwelcome to me. I love whores, you know, because they can cheat on me openly without any guilty feelings; not like ordinary vaginas who constantly cheat on us behind our backs; that is unforgivable for me. I don’t need such things right now. I don’t want to feel any jealousy for any vaginas; I don’t want to be distracted with such feelings right now. But, Elaine, I don’t need to worry about anything and don’t need to feel any jealousy. If I see her dancing other guys, I just nod to myself with warm sympathy, because I completely understand everything: she is just doing her job, nothing more and nothing less. Do you comprehend such a mutual harmony, my friend? She is simply doing her job; she needs to pay rent, buy clothes, eat, and so on, like ordinary people. I call this free love. She gives me free love, my friend. I don’t need to wonder if she really loves me; I don’t need to worry if she cheats on me; I don’t need to feel any jealousy: I simply love her. What a wonderful feeling to love someone indeed without any anxiety! I don’t need to receive her love in return: I just give my love to her freely. That’s why I love her, ha-ha-ha….”

“I understand you now. In this way, I understand you. But before you said you are madly in love with her, which I don’t believe. Yeah, I agree with you – it’s good to fall in love with a whore sometimes. Free love, I like that. Take care of your sweetheart, ha-ha-ha….”

I Am Madly in Love With Her

He burst out laughing, “Son of bitch, okay, okay, I know what stupid Jorge is like when he gets excited, that idiot! However, you must invite me next time you go to Excess, okay? I really want to go there; I always want to go there to touch beautiful vaginas to my heart’s content, ha-ha-ha…. By the way, did you dance with your sweetheart or find a new vagina?”

“Of course, I danced with Elaine, my friend!” my face is brightened and continued, “it was wild, my friends, so wild indeed, believe me. And Jorgito did a thirty-minute dance with a Hungarian vagina, and he came in his pants just two minutes, ha-ha-ha….”

“What? Stupid Jorge danced thirty minutes? He came in his pants just two minutes? Ha-ha-ha, it’s so quick, no? Oh my God, was he excited? That son of bitch really enjoyed last night without me.”

“Yap,” I nodded. “He enjoyed it too much. I never see him in so happy mood, ha-ha-ha….”

“But how about you? Tell me about Elaine. Are you going out with her? She likes you very much. What happened yesterday? For God’s sake, tell me everything, Shogo.”

I lit a cigarette and answered happily, “I think I’m in love with her, man. Please don’t say anything; just hear me out. Listen, my friend, I asked her out for next Tuesday. You know, I always have fun with her. I really enjoy being with her, spending time with her, and talking with her. As you know, I’ve been faithful to her for three years, in my own way, of course. Three years of faith is not a joke, my friend. I have no shame confessing that I am madly in love with her.”

“What? Are you sure? I don’t believe you,” he said with a bewildered face, “I know your faith with her is quite genuine because I’ve witnessed that you’ve constantly danced with her these past three years. It’s too much, no? However, my friend, however, she is a whore. She dances with many guys every night; many guys touch her body every night. Wake up, man. You’re not in love with her. I know you, man. You just want to be a romantic son of bitch. You think falling in love with a whore is something new to you and falling in love with a whore adds a spice of mystery to your character, I know you, man, ha-ha-ha. But I don’t buy such shit! Tell me the truth, man! Also, I remember what you said: you don’t want to have a girlfriend until you are recognized as a writer. What is wrong with you tonight?”

“Watch out your language, will you?” I bellowed. “First of all, you can’t call her just a whore – she is an extraordinary whore, do you understand? Needless to say, she is very beautiful, actually extremely beautiful – I worship her rosy vagina. She is in love with me and vice-versa. What is wrong with that? I know she is a whore. Maybe, being a whore shines her virtue and makes me love her more, I guess.”