I Don’t Know What Is Wrong with Me

He ordered drinks and said nervously, “Shogo, I want to confess something to you, but don’t tell anyone, even Gerardo. This is between you and me. If I say this is between you and me, it must be between you and me, okay?”

I was laughing. And then I assured him, “Okay, Jorgito. I won’t tell anyone. Tell me whatever you want. My ears are all yours. Go on.”

“Shogo, I’ve never felt this way with any women in my life, but with Heather, things are so different. I am constantly jealous of her ex-boyfriend. I know she broke up with him a long time ago, but when she starts mentioning him, I can’t control my jealousy and can’t compose myself.”

I lit a cigarette and puffed in the air.

“But, Jorgito, why? What is your problem?” I queried. “He is her ex-boyfriend, so it doesn’t matter, he is past. Now she doesn’t see him, does she? So, what is the point of being jealous? Don’t be jealous of a silly thing like that. I know, you think she is very pure, but I tell you the divine truth. No women are virgins. Every woman is fucked once in her life. Jorgito, sorry to say, but I have to open your eyes – you can’t find a pure vagina nowadays; you can find only used vaginas. Even your Heather has been fucked by many dicks, sorry, but it’s the pure fact.”

“Ha-ha-ha…. I know, I know. Of course, we can find only used vaginas nowadays. But I don’t know what is wrong with me. Shogo, remember I went to Calgary to see her a month ago?”

“Of course, I remember.”

“When I was in Calgary, she invited me to have a dinner at an Indian restaurant. While we were eating, I wondered why she took me there because I know her ex-boyfriend was a kind of Indian origin. For that reason, I presumed they came here together often. That moment I couldn’t control myself and said a lot of foolish things to her. I was mad beyond recognition. I even couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I was so angry and simply couldn’t compose myself. I felt so ashamed after the dinner, but this was beyond my control. I know I should stop behaving like that, but I simply can’t control, you know, Shogo, I can’t control….”

I looked at his eyes squarely and said, “Jorgito, I think you’d better marry her. You are obviously head over heels in love with her – that’s why you got jealous of her ex-boyfriend so violently. But let me give you piece of friendly advice. You should stop behaving like that for your own sake, because if you continue being mad over her ex-boyfriend, you’ll face a serious consequence. She might leave you. I know it’s extremely tough for you not to think about it, but at least you should try to prevent these kinds of thoughts from invading your head.”

Pause.

“I know, Shogo. I should stop thinking about it, but it’s so difficult. It’s goddamn difficult. You surely understand what I’m talking about. You, too, if you are in love with someone, it’s difficult for you to erase such things in your mind – that’s why you don’t want to have a girlfriend right now, so that you can focus only on writing without unnecessary distractions.”

“Yeah, you are absolutely right about that. I know it’s hard for you to ignore such things, but try not to think about it for your own sake, okay?”

“Yes, I will. Shogo, look over there. Elaine is dancing. She is very beautiful, man. You should invite her after the dance.”

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